eating disordered me

[thud]

-

[xV35ballx]

Thud, I wish I had had your courage to come out & admit all of this. See, I have anorexia (was trying to recover, now in relapse), also I'm trying to stop cutting. And, before I say anything else, I want to say this: Anorexia is NOT glamorous. There is nothing glamorous about collapsing at school & not being able to move for ten minutes. Also, there is nothing great or grand about lying to your friends & family about EVERY little thing, starting with whether or not you ate, & ending with only God knows what. (Those are just a FEW of my experiences.)

Sorry. Had to get some of that out of my system. I wish there was something I could tell you, some magic cure, some special words to make it all 'ok' again. But, as I have a feeling you know, no such thing exists. I can only speak for myself, but I do not think you weak or disgusting. I honestly believe you've got great strength & courage to come here, a site not about eds, & admit to having one.

If you want some advice on websites to go to, please let me know. I'd be more than glad to help you kick this thing as best as I can.

*feels like a big fat hypocrite for saying all that while in the middle of a relapse* Anyways, like I said, I'm here if/when you want/need someone to talk to, or advice on where on the net you can go for some support from people going through the same things.

[This message has been edited by xV35ballx (edited January 30, 2002).]

[Idnew]

Thumbs up to both of you and you've both been around here long enough to know there is a great bunch on here to discuss anything you want to discuss and all we can do is help you as much as we can. No put downs about your problems only to help if we can. Sometimes your cyper friends are better anyway. Not knowing either of you personally only on here I think your both great and a lot of fun and to ruin your lives when you both have such a vibrant personality is just nonsense. Not being familar with either disorder except from what I've heard or read, I'd like ya'lls reason for starting in the first place if you care to share. I'll tell you right now there is nothing uglier than a pencil thin person...male or female to me. Be yourself and da*n the rest of the world as long as your happy and you can only be happy if you love yourself first.

------------------
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[ogb]

I also had some problems with it about eight years ago when I first fell in love. I had the insane idea that this girl would only love me if I had a perfect body and reduced my eating habits almost day by day until I ended eating a salad as meal for the whole day. One day my body rebelled and then I woke up. Later on I also had times where I ate way too much - don't know why it has to be in such extremes. Today I don't care about all that anymore. I'm living in healthy dimensions wihtout watching too much for my weight (which is okay, I am neither thin nor fat).
Unfortunately I can't solve your problem. It has to start in your brain and then you need a strong will to change your situation.

[Serendipity]

Hey you guys - Idnew is right, this is a good place to discuss this kind of thing. I have no experience of ED's myself, so I can't shine much light on the subject. But Thud and XGrrl, you know we give a d*** about our members.

Thud: do I think you are weak? No, of course I don't. The worst I could think is that you know there's a problem but don't know what to do about it.

What Id said about loving yourself is MASSIVELY IMPORTANT. When I was a teen I didn't have any ED, but I was very insecure and screwed up (funny thing is, I thought it was just me who felt like that!), I slowly learned first to like myself, then I found out some things about me that really turned me on... silly things, like I can juggle and play guitar... cook... write stuff... a devilish sense of humour http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif... until I found that there was no problem...

So, focus on the positive... probably a mantra you've heard before and it doesn't mean much? Be patient with yourself. Don't expect an overnight miracle - what's done in a night can be undone in a night, too.


Disgusting? You'll have to try harder than that to disgust me! http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

[thud]

-

[thud]

-

[Enforcer]

speechless
for real

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I won the Äround the world in 80 posts "-competition
SWAT VAN comin'ATYA

[Enforcer]

I rwad the rest of the replies and I'm a ;little less speechless, but still...
I know what anorexia is, don't know what bulimia is though. About the killing yourself( sorry if I sound insensitive don't know what else to call it.) I know at least three poeple around my age (16) who have tried at least twice and when I hear these poeple I don't believe my ears. I sometimes think that I have it really good because I can't imagine anything, anything whatsoever that would make me want to cut my wrist. I don't have rich parents , I don't have a playstation 2, I'm penniless, and yet poeple who have allthat and more, greatparents, big house, money, good grades(i have those, 2) would do such a thing. As I am using the computers internet connection too post this I look out the window behind me and sea nothing but beauty. Even if it isn't perfect.... I LOVE THIS WORLD!
And if I could I would never leave it.
NEVER EVER, unless I lived in WW2 and got captured and had too choose between torture and instant death. Hope sum of my positive thoughts reflect on each and everyone of you who reads this and even if he\she is perfectly happy thinks away all their problems for a sec and realises what a beautiful world we live in.
Big thoughts for a 16-year old, you say?
Maybe I'll get more pessimistic with the years, but I hope I never will!

------------------
I won the Äround the world in 80 posts "-competition
SWAT VAN comin'ATYA

[Enforcer]

Í'm gonna make that my new sig!

------------------
I won the Äround the world in 80 posts "-competition
SWAT VAN comin'ATYA

[Serendipity]

Originally posted by thud:
by the way, thank you to all of you for being so understanding http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif Sorry if that was a very dumb post. I didn't even say anything about food at all! Which is funny because it's all I think about - sorry, dumb again. Bye

Thud: Not dumb at all. http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

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[Serendipity]

Enforcer: From MentalHealth.com (http://www.mentalhealth.com/icd/p22-et02.html)

Bulimia nervosa is a syndrome characterized by repeated bouts of overeating and an excessive preoccupation with the control of body weight, leading the patient to adopt extreme measures so as to mitigate the 'fattening" effects of ingested food. The term should be restricted to the form of the disorder that is related to anorexia nervosa by virtue of sharing the same psychopathology. The age and sex distribution is similar to that of anorexia nervosa, but the age of presentation tends to be slightly later. The disorder may be viewed as a sequel to persistent anorexia nervosa (although the reverse sequence may also occur). A previously anorexic patient may first appear to improve as a result of weight gain and possibly a return of menstruation, but a pernicious pattern of overeating and vomiting then becomes established. Repeated vomiting is likely to give rise to disturbances of body electrolytes, physical complications (tetany, epileptic seizures, cardiac arrhythmias, muscular weakness), and further severe loss of weight.

Hope that helps http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
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[~wildangel~]

For Thud and Lady X, I applaud you for speaking your mind which is in no way a "weak" thing to do but very strong.

I don't know very much about anorexia or Bullemia, thank God I never had that problem (high metabolism http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif)but I am so hurt inside that you both would think so little of yourselves to hurt your own bodies! http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/frown.gif
Lady X i'm so glad your doing better and i'm sorry, I know it's hard living a lie, I've lived many of them, you guys arent the only one, so don't EVER feel you are!

I was born and raised living lies just to make my family happy, like my grandma, I had to lie all the time..I couldnt even have a boyfriend at 18 without her being pissed off so I decided to have 20 of them http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif

I used to model a bit, I was in a France wedding dress catalog,a few other things,just Ads and such, nothing major and I was addicted to speed to make my body skinnier, skinny and sexy, ect.

The day I was modeling the wedding gowns I found they were too tight on me around my stomach and didnt know what was wrong with me, I was about a size 3, the dresses were still too small for me, at least they had to get bigger size, but my boobs and my tummy were bigger than usual, I felt so disgusting (to others I didnt look disgusting at all, had a little more meat on my bones which is more sexy than too skinny) BUT, they made me feel fat just by them fitting in something so scrawny and not me...

come to find out, I was 2 months pregnant with my oldest child...

Soooo, ofcourse I got big, huge infact http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif and had to eat healthy, quit drinking ect. and be a good mommy so I obviously could NOT worry about my figure anymore, but it was OK! I found myself special, a beautiful person, found that I could do sooo many things and it didnt matter what I looked like, smelled like, If I brushed my teeth that day or not, I just learned to love myself http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

I have always been a manic depressive, psychotic, overly touchy and emotional person but I take Prozac now, only 20 mil. a day, have been taking them a couple years and am such a happier person!

Anyways I think (personally) you girls are totally special, smart and beautiful even if you don't feel it and I hope you can relax and be yourself, love who YOU are and if you need it, get some help, I did and it works for me http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

Love you all *hugs*
http://www.goofyhumor.com/images/242.jpg

------------------
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[~wildangel~]

Originally posted by Serendipity:

Disgusting? You'll have to try harder than that to disgust me! http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif[/B]

Ohh trust me girls, he CAN'T be disgusted http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif Neither can I! Better try harder sweeties!!! http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Oh and one more thing, for ALL of you ppl that think your "not special", or that you are "disgusting" well I just had a beautiful human baby and to me this child is nothing less than absolute perfection, so you must know, you are made of absolute perfection, you just need to feel it.


------------------
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[Idnew]

Thanks Dip. I was familar with the term, but that's a good explanation.

Thud see don't you just feel all warm and fuzzy already knowing we're on your side and wish only the best for you. Parents should love you no matter what and never put you down and if they do don't let it get you down. Hard to do I know as I had a jerk for a step-father that called us and when I got grown my g-children names. My beautiful g-daughter was pretty chubby and he'd call her fat, being now grown I don't have to listen to his crap and told him if he couldn't say anything nice then just to shut the hell up. We love her no matter how she looks, but as she's aged, now 13 she's slimmed down and a beautiful girl. My sister was getting very, very fat so I just put a guilt trip on her and now she thinks about my words all the time cause I said them to her so much when she went to eat something fattening. Now she's got down to her normal bodied self and gloating to me about it.

So Thud since I can't see what your fixing to eat right now, but you really need to look at it real hard and here is my words,*while staring at you and the food in front of you* "Thud do you really want to eat that?" *cheesy grin on my face while looking at you* http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

To ballxYou really look pathetic in that cute bikini with your ribs showing like they are so go eat something fattening and let your body blossom into a beautiful natural woman. http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

I'm sure there is no easy answer for either of you but look in the mirror and tell yourself I'm a beautiful person and either my friends like me or they don't and if they don't I'll just make new friends. Like Enforcer said, It's a beautiful world out there so don't sweat what the rest of the world thinks, but Thud and ballx for your own health I hope you get over it and then realize how foolish it all was.



------------------
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[xV35ballx]

Thanks for the kind words y'all. I appreciate them a lot. I'm doing my best to kick this anorexia in the rear, but have you ever tried to reach around & kick your own hind quarters? Not exactly an easy task, but it's easier than trying to beat an eating disorder.

As for how/why I got started with anorexia, here goes. When I started 9th grade in the fall of '97, I wasn't exactly thin or pretty or popular, according to the standards at school. So when I had a group of friends who all decided to go on a diet at the same time, I decided to join them, that way we could support each other, & make it easier for all of us to stick to our diets. Well, they lost weight, but I didn't. So I figured I was simply not being strict enough with myself. So I got stricter. And the stricter I got, the more weight I lost. Eventually, everything seemed to revolve around my weight, whether or not I ate, & whether or not I claimed to have eaten. When I was sexually assaulted (almost raped) the first time, in the fall of '99, it was right after I'd broken one of my longest periods of fasting. So I figured I needed to get thinner. When I was sexually assaulted (again, almost raped) two more times less than four months later, I figured it had to be because I wasn't losing weight quick enough.

Anyways, I wound up getting to a ridicuously low weight, snapping at my friends constantly, & collapsing at school on the soccer field while jogging around it while there was a game bein' played on it. I lied to the school nurse several times about several things (always a different nurse, since it was durring a time when we had a lot of substitute nurses, which is probably the only reason I didn't get caught). (All of this happened in December of '99, shortly after the last two sexual assaults.)

I finally decided on recovery in August of 2000 when my friends made me realize I was hurting more than just myself with my actions. They proved in many ways that I was also hurting them. And that hurt me. I thought that, no matter what I did to myself, as long as I took care of my friends & made sure they were ok, then I wouldn't have to get better. I wanted to fix everyone's problems, but keep mine. And they helped me realize that my problems were becoming problems for them.

Well, after being in recovery for four months, I started wanting to restrict again, in a BIG way. But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't lose all that weight again. My friends were watching & knew my tricks. That's when I started with the cutting. I would cut to release the emotions that were held inside as a result (I felt anyways) of my not being able to restrict & excersise at will. I started trying to quit cutting in Feb. of this past year, however the longest I've managed was three months cut free.

Anyways, sorry all of this is so long. But Id DID ask how we got started on this route. Thank you to those who actually took the time to read all of this. And, for those who are reading this & dealing with either their own eating disorder, or that of a friend or family member, here's an awesome site to check out. If you decide to use the boards, look for me as v-ball. The site is www.something-fishy.org (http://www.something-fishy.org) (Let me know if you can't find the boards.) Also, my AIM screen name, if any of you want to talk, is xV35ballx

[This message has been edited by xV35ballx (edited February 01, 2002).]

[~wildangel~]

Thanks for sharing your story with us Lady X, it's great that your opening up and talking about your problems rather than bottling them in like I did.

I was beat and raped when I was young (I hope my fmly isnt reading this but I'm sure somewhere inside they know)and I know it messes you up inside bad! I wouldn't tell ANYONE! I just became violent and tough, I used to be on the streets everyday, drinking, using drugs. I hated men so I "used" them and hurt them rather than being hurt, even though I was still abused by guys many times after. Anyways what I'm trying to say is, I know it's hard, soooo hard especially when youve hit rock bottom and you have to pull yourself back up but you CAN do it, If I did, ANYONE can! http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I once was beating up this big mexican girl and her boyfriend and these other gangbangers broke my collar bone, I went after them with a knife and luckily didnt end up in prison, my dad stopped the fight, so did the cops, basically I lived a hard life!lol

I pulled through it, what I did was I started working out after I had my first son, I was a single mum at first, the day after I married some crazy gangster loser he shot and killed someone in a bad drug deal and got life in prison, I was 3 months pregnant, I had to survive on my own!
So I put my baby boy first and stayed as clean and healthy as possible, lived with my grandparents (God help me) but they were wayy up in the hills where I was away from everything! So I wrote poetry, started lifting weights, hitting a speedbag, and eating good http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

Something will work for you, dont push yourself to just start eating tons of food to make up for the nutrients lost, just do it gradually, instead of starving eat healthy, fruits and veggies and stuff and work out! You'll bne glad you did, it makes you feel and look good and helps you let off steam! Punch that punching bag, infact put up a dartboard and a picture of someone you hate and throw darts at it http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/wink.gif

------------------
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[Enforcer]

NOT sarcastic!:


This is beautiful.

Oh and thanks, dippy, for the medical explanation

------------------
LOVE and PEACE!

Maybe I'll get more pessimistic with the years but I hope I never will!

[thud]

-

[Serendipity]

I am not in any way skinny.

What's your weight and height, Thud?

IMO: This isn't easy for me to say, cuz I'm an easy-going guy. BUT. I'm honest with it. Thud, there's a limit to what we can do here - we're not experts in sorting out this kind of thing. If you want our sympathy, you got it, but that's not going to solve anything. You know you have a serious problem, that is, you've admitted it to yourself. You should know that true friendship comes unconditionally, and family love definitely does, whether or not you like it or think you deserve it. So those real-life people are in a much better position to help you than we ever can be, however much we'd like to help.

[Serendipity]

I didn't mean to put an end to this discussion! Come back, y'all http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

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[thud]

-

[xV35ballx]

I'm still here. I've been reading & re-reading the replies here. I don't know. I mean, I'm scared, but I don't know what I'm scared of. I haven't even been able to post at my regular boards about any of this. And I do know what I'm scared of. But it's hard to put words to it. Anyways, I'm probably not making much sense. Sorry for rambling like this. I hope y'all can make sense out of all it. Catch y'all later.

[paulgro]

Tex, you know what you gotta do, so do it...

------------------
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[Idnew]

Well we must be doing something right for you to open up to us and like Dipster said we can only do so much on a message board. We can't actually give you anything but a cyper hug and a lot of encourgement and we will sure do that, but the rest is up to both of you and it's a matter of making up your minds and then sticking to it. Will power and determination.

[~wildangel~]

*Cyber HUGS!!!*

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[xV35ballx]

I just wanted to drop in & say that I'm doing better now. I've been forcing myself to take care of myself, for several reasons. One of which is that I'm going on a vacation shortly after my birthday (my birthday being March 10). Anyways, I wanted to let y'all know.

Also, thanks for the hugs & support. I appreciate it a lot.

[Serendipity]

Good on you, XGrrl http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif Keep it up...

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[paulgro]

Glad to hear that. Keep it up...

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[xV35ballx]

It's still hard, but I've been told it eventually gets easier. I'm still not quite sure how to put what it is I'm afraid of into words, but part of it is that I'm scared that once I reach a certain point in recovery, then I won't be able to go back. This has been such a part of me for so long, I can't remember life without it.

[Idnew]

I feel you have an inner strength ballx so just let it out and you will be fine.

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[aclu14]

I am never going to complain about the little bit of pudge on my stomach again.

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[xV35ballx]

Today is what I classify as an up day. Meaning I'm feeling good today. Whereas most of the days this week have been classified as down days, because I just didn't feel good & wasn't doing good.

Anyways, I'm having an up day, I'm happy, life seems to be going good, & I don't feel bad when I look in the mirror. I actually believe life WILL improve for me. Just wanted to share a few positives after so many negatives.

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Men play games. Women know the score.

[paulgro]

Lets see if you can have more up days maybe one day they will all be up days when you get by this... http://www.dumblaws.com/ubb/smile.gif

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[xV35ballx]

Thanks Paul.....right now I've really been strugling.....I know recovery's worth it, but, at the same time, I'm having trouble seeing the whys & wherefors of it. In other words, the past few days have been down days, rather than up days. *sighs* Oh well. Guess I'll just try again.

[paulgro]

It's hard and you know that I don't need to tell you but in the end it will all be worth it and you know that...Only you can help yourself we can only hope you do...

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