Jokes Galorie [Archive] - TD Talk(Formally Dumb Laws)

The Horseman

June 21st, 2002, 12:42 PM

This is, allegedly, real (couldn't get it to be an attached file)

> SPEAKING OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS...
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 1
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
> on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
> Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
>
> We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
> along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> Claus!
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 2
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
> We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
> with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
> we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
>
> The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
> time. Happy now?
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 3
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
> "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
>
> How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody?
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 7
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
> during daylight hours. There goes the party!
>
> Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off
> on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short
> this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little
> foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of
> Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
> pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss
> anything?
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 8
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do,
> a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
> burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
> we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
> breaks. Okay???
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 9
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
> like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
> "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
> suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
> feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
>
> Could we lighten up?
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 10
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
> you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
> you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
> hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> scream right now!
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 14
> RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
> from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
> to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
> cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
> with full pay.

DV8

June 22nd, 2002, 06:54 AM

:lol Lol.

Corny:
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

And:
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

The Horseman

June 22nd, 2002, 11:36 AM

Last one was good :lol

To give me time to replenish my supply of jokes, here's something lifted from www.satirewire.com (http://www.satirewire.com), one of the finest satire sites around

Arabs slyly get Israel to wall itself in

Tel Aviv (SatireWire.com) — Israel today continued to believe it was building a massive fence to seal off the West Bank instead of unwittingly footing the bill to construct the first stage of an 800-mile-long wall meant to seal off the entire state of Israel from everyone else.

Since construction began Sunday, Arab leaders have continually condemned the barrier, statements that have successfully motivated Prime Minister Ariel Sharon to keep building it.

"Israel should not unilaterally build a wall along its borders simply to keep Palestinians out," Arab League Secretary-General Amr Moussa said at a press conference yesterday. "We prefer negotiation over separation."

"How was that?" Moussa then whispered to an aide.

"Great. They're still walling themselves in," the aide said.

Increasing the pressure, Jordan's King Abdullah II added he hopes Israel "will at least stop once they've built a fence, and will not add sensors, patrols, obstacles, and trenches." In response, Israeli government spokesman Dan Gold said the fence was "just the beginning. Soon we will have a full security zone, with sensors, patrols, obstacles, and trenches."

"This is too easy," Abdullah said later.

Abdullah also insisted he wants to meet with Sharon next week to vehemently oppose construction of, say, a full 800-mile wall around the entire country. As a result, Sharon is expected to refuse the meeting and finish the wall by winter.

DV8

June 23rd, 2002, 02:30 PM

:lol - Duh! :rolleyes:

http://www.jokebook.com/smiley_face__roadkillA.gif

Microsoft Jokes

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it?
Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

too true...

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet. :lol

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

BrotherBluto17

June 28th, 2002, 07:06 PM

Alright,

A bus load of nuns is hit by a train and all the nuns are sent up to heaven to meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to the first nun in line,"Have you ever touched a !%!%!%!%!% before?"

She says, "Well, once, I poked one on the head."

So St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water and you may proceed into heaven."

The next nun steps up and St. Peter says, "Have you ever touched a !%!%!%!%!% before?"

She replies, "Well, I gave a man a handjob once."

So St. Peter says, "Dip your hand in the holy water and you may proceed into heaven."

All the sudden St. Peter says a nun trying to rush to the front of the line. He says, "My daughter what is the rush? Is there a problem?"

And the nun says, "Well, I want to wash my mouth out before sister Mary sticks her ass in it."

The Horseman

June 29th, 2002, 12:58 PM

Damn, just realised that I can't tell the joke about the leprachun and the hiker in Ireland. It'll star out the best parts!

RockBottomDLux

July 1st, 2002, 08:51 PM

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

RockBottomDLux

July 2nd, 2002, 11:03 PM

Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

~wildangel~

July 3rd, 2002, 10:03 PM

:cool

~wildangel~

July 3rd, 2002, 10:10 PM

http://www.twisterspot.com/jokespic/zebra_nudists.jpg :D

http://www.twisterspot.com/jokespic/stay_off.jpg :p

The Horseman

July 4th, 2002, 12:41 PM

:clap :lol :clap :lol :clap :lol

RockBottomDLux

July 4th, 2002, 08:16 PM

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

RockBottomDLux

July 5th, 2002, 08:21 PM

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.When they got home, the wife said, 'Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?' 'Nonsense,' said the husband, 'I can remember a dish of ice cream!' 'Well,' said the wife, 'I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget.' 'Don't be silly,' replied the husband. 'A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!' 'OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,' said the wife. 'Come now, my memory's not all that bad,' said the husband. 'No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.' With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, 'Hey, where's the toast?'

~wildangel~

July 10th, 2002, 01:44 PM

http://myjokemail.com/Awwww.jpg
http://myjokemail.com/osamababy.jpg http://myjokemail.com/1weekinusa.jpg

The Horseman

July 10th, 2002, 02:06 PM

Wild! The first picture(:lol) ! And the second(:lol) ! I mean, I thought you were a sweet, loving person

~wildangel~

July 10th, 2002, 02:15 PM

I AM :lol :lol :lol

The Horseman

July 10th, 2002, 03:51 PM

Then how do you explain a picture of Bin Laden as a baby! Do y'realise that he might be hideously embarrased by his baby photos, as most people are? That was a cruel thing to do!:D

~wildangel~

July 10th, 2002, 06:47 PM

Good! I hope he was so hideously embaressed it brings him out of hiding so we can do this

http://www.labs.net/dawghouse/noose2.jpg
:lol:lol

Serendipity

July 12th, 2002, 02:18 PM

A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

The Horseman

July 12th, 2002, 04:43 PM

Q. How does a blond practise safe sex?

A. Locks the car door

ILENSER

July 12th, 2002, 04:59 PM

http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v1/6/54/25/44165425LtQQCv_ph.jpg

AngelLisa

July 13th, 2002, 02:33 AM

http://beaterz.com/one_liners/0201/images/japvan.jpg

WTF?!?!?!

The Horseman

July 13th, 2002, 04:46 AM

A man is eating noodles in a Chinese restaurant, when he finds a hair in them. He storms out of the restaurant, flinging abuse at the waitress who served him for the poor quality of the food

Across the road from the restaurant, there is a brothel. The waitress is going after the man to offer him a free meal, when she sees him enter. Thinking that this will be the perfect opportunity to embarrass him, she goes into the brothel to confront him

She walks into the main room, and sees him eating out a prostitute.

'Ah-ha!' she cries 'You complained about the hair in our noodles, and now you go and do a thing like this'

The man raises his head briefly, and looks the waitress right in the eyes

'Yea' he replies

'And if I find a noodle in here, I'm out of this place too'

The Horseman

July 14th, 2002, 01:49 PM

A man arriving for the Grand Final in Melbourne is suprised to find that the seat beside his is empty. Normally, the seats are booked up months in advance, and empty seats are unknown. So he says to the man on the other side of the seat

'Excuse me, but do you know why there's no-one in this seat?'

The man answers wistfully, 'It's my wife's. She was going to come, but she died unexpectedly'

'Oh that's terrible. I am sorry'

'Yeah, she never missed a match'

'But couldn't you have given the ticket to a friend or a relative'

The man looks at him astonished. 'Course not mate. They're all at the funeral'

RockBottomDLux

July 14th, 2002, 11:08 PM

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile, the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and ran back to his seat next to his friend.
''If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your little tallywagger!'' yelled the mean-looking man.
The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.
''All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to do!''
The leprechaun laughed again and said, ''You can't do that!''
''Why not?'' asked his captor.
''Because,'' giggled the leprechaun, ''Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!''
''Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?'' growled the angry man, ''How in the hell do ya pee?''
''Just like this!'' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit with all his might.

aclu14

July 21st, 2002, 05:32 PM

:lol

ILENSER

July 21st, 2002, 07:27 PM

:p Pppppppppppppptt

The Horseman

July 22nd, 2002, 08:32 AM

Not bad :)

-----

Did you guys mean to have matching post counts, or is that just a coincidence?

DV8

July 23rd, 2002, 02:27 AM

Ewwi!! Tallywagger lol.:lol

DV8

July 23rd, 2002, 02:30 AM

What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?
They both come with plastic jugs

Obnoxious Parrot on an Airplane

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round,
and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get it or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy *******!!".

DV8

July 23rd, 2002, 02:54 AM

These were the first airport jokes I thought were funny.

Part of it was:
Hear among others how the airport speaker pronounce:
"Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted"

It becomes "My colleague just farted, and left the room, the *******."
[But you have to hear it being read out other the speaker in the airport by a stewardess and a couple of lads s!%!%!%!%!%!%ing in the background:lol ]

Scroll down to Airport Page (http://www.klorg.com/media/)

aclu14

July 23rd, 2002, 10:49 PM

:clap

~wildangel~

July 30th, 2002, 01:36 PM

:clap

RockBottomDLux

July 30th, 2002, 04:51 PM

The Call of Nature

One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fast. The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”

DV8

July 31st, 2002, 12:14 AM

*giggles...

But u have to admit it was a lil corny... :p

RockBottomDLux

August 4th, 2002, 10:50 PM

Not corny. "Cute."

ILENSER

August 6th, 2002, 08:22 PM

http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v5/3/10/58/46131058OBTMoL_ph.jpg
How NASA will save on cost.

And Now How YOU Can Save On Child Care.

http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v5/3/16/15/46131615lOjWqy_ph.jpg

The Horseman

August 21st, 2002, 10:43 AM

Ted's a bus conductor, until one fateful day when he tells the driver to pull away as an old lady is boarding. Result - she's killed.
He's convicted of manslaughter, and sent to the electric chair.

'Any last requests' asked the executioner.

'Well' says Ted, 'I see you have an unripe banana there. I'd like to eat before you pull the switch please'

The executioner gives him the banana. Ted eats it quickly, and then the man pulls the switch. But when the smoke clears, Ted is still very much alive, and so the authorities let him go.

Not long later, he's back on the buses when the same thing happens again.

Ted's sent to the chair, once more gobbles down an unripe banana and once more survives!

Returned to society, it's not long before the same thing happens again, and three children are pulled under the bus. Back to the chair for Ted

The executioner knows Ted of old by now, and produces his unripe banana. Ted yet again gobbles the banana down, the executioner throws the switch and yet again, Ted's as right as rain when the smoke clears

'Why won't you die?!' screams the executioner. 'It's that bloody banana isn't it!?!'

'Not at all' whimpers Ted

'I'm just a really bad conductor'

ILENSER

August 21st, 2002, 11:30 AM

:rolleyes:

The Horseman

August 21st, 2002, 06:45 PM

I liked it

ILENSER

August 21st, 2002, 08:59 PM

*just horsing around with you*:D neigh?

The Horseman

August 22nd, 2002, 04:47 AM

It's OK Illy. I know my taste in jokes is terrible. I really do. Neigh mate

ILENSER

September 4th, 2002, 03:54 PM

Need lawyer jokes.

Remenber politician are first lawyers then then to down hill from there.

So lets hear your best

ILENSER

September 14th, 2002, 04:40 PM

http://www.boomspeed.com/ilenser/misc187.gif

DV8

September 17th, 2002, 05:24 AM

I th-th-think there was a p-p--problem whilst Down-down, loaddd-ing... Cannot find file hsense95.exe as a result, I have produce the following (possibly the worst joke ever):

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

RockBottomDLux

September 18th, 2002, 04:32 PM

NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''

DV8

September 26th, 2002, 04:36 PM

*pukes when she heard God doom the world with a manipulating ****ty govnment. WE ARE DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

FTale

October 17th, 2002, 05:24 AM

A dead man comes to the gates of heaven. St. Peter comes forward and asks:
-What good deeds have you done in your life?
The man thinks a little while and answers:
-Well, once I saw a Hell's Angel-biker harassing a woman, so I went to help, punched the biker, told him to leave the woman alone and spat on his boot.
-That's very brave of you! St. Peter answered. -When did this happen?
-A couple of minutes ago, the man says.

ILENSER

October 22nd, 2002, 09:17 PM

Dear Abby:
I am to be married next month after a year’s engagement. My fiancee's mother is not only an extremely attractive woman but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her house to trim down the invitation list. We got it down to just under a hundred. Then she floored me.
She said that in three weeks’ time I would be a married man but before that she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally realised exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door.
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good guy and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their Little Test was asinine and personally insulting?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

DV8

October 24th, 2002, 09:21 AM

:lol

Well trial and improvement. Next time the husband and father-in-law-2b should hide in the bushes.

Phreakmeister

October 27th, 2002, 05:50 PM

Age and Womanhood

Between the ages of 13 and 18,
she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35,
she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45,
she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56,
she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia,
everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?

Phreakmeister

October 27th, 2002, 05:59 PM

"Tell me what your problem is", the psychiatric told the stressed man.

"It was all because of my marriage. I married a widow with a grown up daughter. She became my step daughter. My father visited, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. That way, my step daughter became my step mother. My wife got a son. He automatically became the brother-in-law of my father, because he's the half brother of my step daughter, who is married to my father. Because my son is the half brother of my step mother, he also is my uncle. The wife of my father, my step daughter, got a son as well, which is my brother, for being the son of my father. But it's also my grandchild, because it's the son of my step daughter. My wife is my grandmother, because she's the mother of my step mother, which makes me the grandson of my own wife. Because I'm married to my grandmother, I'm not only the husbands and grandson of my wife, but also my own grandfather. That's why I'm a bit stressed."

Phreakmeister

October 27th, 2002, 06:31 PM

Something I accidentally stumbled upon while surfing the Internet. I found this so hilarious.

Everyone knows, that it's a scientifically proven fact that heavy metal, (the devils favourite music) is full of backwards messages, that subconsciously make children drug addicts, satan worshippers, sodomites, rapists, etc. BUT, if you wan't to be a good christian without ANY demonic influences, you must hear this: subliminal backwards messages are to be found even in a so-called "innocent" humour genre called the palindromes! Yes, these "jokes" are a blasphemy to our LORD, because they are read BACKWARDS, just like the unholy rites of the satanists in their black masses (and the writtings of the ungodly muslims)! Outrageous lies are spread through the antichristian internet as "innocent" palindromes, like this one: "Madam, I'm Adam!" But any christian, who know's his Bible, can tell that Adam NEVER, ever said anything like this!! Yes, that sentence is just one example of these fabricated, "funny" sentences that make people laugh at GOD and his creation!!! How blasphemous is that!!! There's these "heavy metal heads" that always recitate: "Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!", which is the same backwards, and they think they're being funny! Well, I've just got some news for you guys: laugh now, 'cause in hell, there's just pain and gnashing of teeth awaiting for you!!! Just try to turn your life backwards then... but then it's too late! I KNOW all of this is true, because it CAN'T be false!
In fact, all of the filth called "humour" is just a bunch of lies spread in the antichrist's internet by the international satanist conspiracy!! Just tell me even one joke, yes, even ONE, that is TRUE, or try to give me a reference in the Holy Bible, where Jesus tells a joke or even laughs, then I'll believe you! But, the true fact is, that Jesus never laughed, and the almighty LORD did NOT create any jokes in those seven days of creation, nor does He tell any jokes (that is, lies) in the stories of the bible, so the only conclusion is, that the so-called "jokes" are in fact ALL lies, and all of you reading this surely know who is the father of lies --- SATAN!!! OH LORD, save us from the temptation of this worldly, profane laughter that is only mockery of the serious Truths YOU have given us through the Holy Bible, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Yours, in Christ,
Siht Eveileb Stoidi

Enforcer

October 31st, 2002, 03:39 AM

My dad told me this one the other day

There's this guy and he's spent all his life in service of the lord, and he's walking on the beach praying, "Oh God , If you could just grant me one wish after so many years of servise..."
And the skies part and with a thundering voice God answers.
"Fine, you will have your wish, what is it?" So the man says: "Well I'd like for there to be a bridge to hawaii, so I can take my family there on the weekends... so God says "Well, do you realise what you're asking me for I mean this is a very big thing your asking me the pillars woud have to go all the way down to the ocean floor..." So the man says he'll think about it and he week later he prays to god again and again God is there to speak to him and God says: "Have you thought about it?"
And the man says: "Yes,Lord, and I've decided I wish i could be able to understand women, to know what they mean when they say nothingand what they mean when they say "Nothing"..."
And God says: "So, you want lights on that bridge..?"

FTale

October 31st, 2002, 05:46 AM

I don't get it...

Enforcer

October 31st, 2002, 06:14 AM

the idea was God said this bridge was a lot of work, so he should think about it, but then he asks for somthing impossible even to God...

Phreakmeister

November 2nd, 2002, 08:55 AM

English
He cut the tree down and then he cut it up.
The truck ran him down, and the blood ran down him.
Time flies like an arrow. Well, we have no time flies around our house.

Portuguese
Ou casa ou fica em casa (Either get married or stay at home)
Passa a passa (Pass me the raisin)
Muda a muda (Change the transplant)
Cobra a cobra (Charge money for the snake)
Cedo cedo (Soon, I'll yield)

Serbian
gore gore gore gore (higher up the mountains it's burning even worse)

French
Le tan fait de tant beaucoup de tans a tué un taon qui tend le temps. Ne t'en fais pas, je le tends.
(The tanning wood made of so much tanning wood has killed a gadfly watching the time. Don't get annoyed, I'm looking after it)
(all are pronounced exactly the same)

Dutch
Ik zit op een bank bij de bank (I'm sitting on a bench near the bank)
Hou je rekening met mijn rekening? (Do you take my account into account?)
Ik voel me leger dan 100000 soldaten (leger means emptier and army. Therefore the sentence translates as I feel like an 100000 soldier army and I feel emptier than 100000 soldiers)
Het is beter dat ik me mis mis dan dat ik de pastoor stoor (It's better for me to miss the mass than to disturb the vicar)
Bij de geboorte van hun eerste kind worden man en vrouw op slag ouder (Ouder means both older and parent. Therefore the sentence translate both as The birth of their first child makes man and woman older and The birth of their first child makes man and woman parent)
Eén van de twee drielingen vierde op de vijfde van de zesde zijn zevende verjaardag. (Eén = 1, twee = 2, drielingen = triplets, vierde = fourth and celebrated, vijfde = fifth, zesde = sixth, zevende = seventh. This sentence is a sequence of the numbers 1 to 7. It translates as: One of the two triplets celebrated its seventh birthday on the fifth of the sixth (June 5th))
Bas is een bas (Bas (name) is a bass (voice)
De ploeg trok de ploeg (The team pulled the plough)
De deken nam de deken (The deacon took the blanket)
Mijn arme arm (My poor arm)
De weg is weg (The road is gone)
De pyromaan kwam bij een wegrestaurant. Weg restaurant. (The pyromaniac arrived at a roadside restaurant. Gone was the restaurant)
De kater had een kater (The male cat had a hangover)
De bal was aan de bal (The posh was in possession of the ball)
De slang beet in de slang (The snake bit the hose)

Idnew

November 2nd, 2002, 10:33 AM

*!Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?
*He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?
*I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE
*Sure....HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?
*Tried those new lite oats? You really should.
*Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat.
*HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!
*Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?
*You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get annoying!
*So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games? :lol

Phreakmeister

November 2nd, 2002, 03:54 PM

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUSE?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second and a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point # 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, the job couldn't be done with eight or even nine reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload not even counting the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandth of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

Phreakmeister

November 3rd, 2002, 09:25 AM

APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP

Greetings prospective White House interns!

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!

* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!

* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!

* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, CA

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at: president@whitehouse.gov

Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__
Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
___ Giggly:
___ Drunk:
___ Hot:
___ To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:

You've always considered the White House:
a) A monument to democracy
b) The place where great leaders meet
c) Vaguely erotic
d) Extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) Model wife and mother
b) Icon of late 20th century femininity
c) Obstacle
d) Inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) Childhood in Hope, Arkansas
c) Romper room
d) "Monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) Hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) Reading, studying
c) Late nights working at the White House
d) Late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please
call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

mawil

November 10th, 2002, 02:54 PM

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb???

Golden retriever: "The sun is out, the day is young, and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?"

Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."

Lab: "Oh, me! Me! Pleeese let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I?"

Rottweiler: "Make me."

Old English sheepdog: "Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb."

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect light?"

mawil

November 10th, 2002, 03:00 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus
is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell
he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would
name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

mawil

November 10th, 2002, 03:04 PM

The Miracle spray.

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

Are you ready for this?

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

RockBottomDLux

November 12th, 2002, 10:34 PM

Devil In The Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Phreakmeister

November 13th, 2002, 11:10 AM

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/littlestickers/71percent/b-readpres.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/oneperson.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/littlestickers/71percent/g-milosevic.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/didntcount.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/littlestickers/71percent/d-48people.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/littlestickers/71percent/m-iknowwhatyoudid.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/jul/jultojail.gif

http://www.gwbush.com/store/images/bankruptcyshirtimage.gif

Idnew

November 13th, 2002, 07:49 PM

:clap

Phreakmeister

November 14th, 2002, 03:58 PM

Sad thing is: this is actually true for some Americans I know (not referring to anyone on this board)

http://www.msxnet.org/humour/world-according-to-america.png

Phreakmeister

November 15th, 2002, 08:21 PM

I see that that post about Ronald Reagan's view of the world has been deleted. Understandably so, looking at his current health situation. But may I remind the honorable moderators of this board, that the "Ronald Reagan's view of the world"-poster, which has been deleted, dates back to his presidency?

The Horseman

November 15th, 2002, 08:29 PM

At the CIA Assassins Training Academy, only three candidates have got through to the final test. Two men and a woman.

The first man is lead through into a room where there's just the instructor holding a gun, and a doorway. The instructor gives the man the gun and tells him 'Your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room. I want you to go in there and kill her with this gun'.

The man looks at him as if he's mad. 'I can't do that!' he exclaimes. 'She's my wife for God's sakes!'

'OK', says the instructor, 'You're obviously not good enough to get into the CIA. Walk straight out of this academy, and don't look back'.

He then invities the second man in, and gives him the same instructions. The man takes the gun, marches into the room, but after a couple of seconds, he walks out crying, giving the gun back to the instructor. The instructor just tells him to get out - he isn't CIA material.

Lastly, the woman comes in. Same instructions again, and she walks through the door. The instructor hears gunfire, and then then a heavy thud for a while. The woman walks back out. She looks at the instructor with a puzzled expression.

'The gun was filled with blanks'

But then she brightens up

'But it's OK. I just beat him to death with the chair'

Idnew

November 16th, 2002, 09:43 AM

Phreak this is a joke forum and not your idea if something is a joke or not. Actually I started to delete the other one you posted. Please stick to actual jokes thank you as I think you bash America quite enough around here anyway.

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 09:47 AM

Since when do jokes have to be in words? Since when can't jokes be pictures anymore?

Idnew

November 16th, 2002, 09:59 AM

They can be that's why I left your other ones.

Sjax

November 16th, 2002, 10:12 AM

Isnt it taking the whole mod-thing a bit far to start judging which jokes are funny and which arent?
I hardly think a false worldmap would really offend anyone in here.

Just a thought, not a general critic as I think the mods generally are doing a wonderfull job in here.:)

Idnew

November 16th, 2002, 10:18 AM

The one that was removed wasn't a joke of any discription as I recall. It was a presidents view that Phreak considered a joke. This forum is not for your opinions on what a president or anyone else does as being a joke. A lot of the stuff they do is a joke to me also, but lets just stick to actually silly things please not Phreak always attacking America which is getting old.

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:33 AM

It was a Latin American satire on Ronald Reagan's foreign policy during the Cold War. It shows the Soviet-Union and the United States on an exaggerated scale (almost covering the entire planet) and the rest of the world on an extremely shrunken scale (e.g. Latin America (from Mexico down to Tierra del Fuego) is about as large as Florida). This poster tries to satirize (not very successfully, so it seems) the exaggerated attention of Ronald Reagan for the Cold War compared to other problems in the world (which is shown e.g. by Africa being shriveled).

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:35 AM

Real questions kids wrote to ask God:

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (but I'm not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:36 AM

http://www.msxnet.org/humour/girls-are-evil.jpg

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:43 AM

MS Word Spell Check

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw
I am shore your pleas two no
Its let her perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Idnew

November 16th, 2002, 10:43 AM

Now that's cute:lol

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:49 AM

The voodoo dildo

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo d1ck."

"So what's this voodoo d1ck?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo d1ck, the door." The voodoo d1ck rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo d1ck, go back in your box!" The voodoo d1ck stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo d1ck, my pu$$y."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d1ck. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo d1ck, my !%!%!%!%!%!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo d1ck was stuck in her pu$$y, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, voodoo d1ck my ass!"

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 10:57 AM

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his fathers business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure that his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure that he was God

Five proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never had a steady job
3. His last request was for a drink
4. He was always telling stories.
5. He loved green pastures

Three proofs that Jesus was Mexican:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

Four proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
4. He didn't disrespect prostitutes

Five proofs that Jesus was black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
4. He liked Gospel
5. He couldn't get a fair trial

Three proofs that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

Three proofs that Jesus was a Cultist:
1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers.
2. He claimed he had special connection to God.
3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship.

Three proofs that Jesus was in advertising:
1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy.
2. He liked to make big speeches at supper.
3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven.

Three proofs that Jesus was a Rastafarian:
1. He was from Babylon.
2. He wore dread locks.
3. His picture is on the zig-zag package.

Three proofs that Jesus was gay:
1. John was his beloved
2. He called all his women friends "Mary"
3. He was truly divine in those spikes that were just to die for!

Three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 11:00 AM

What is concensus?

North American
--> No one has objected too loudly

Japanese
--> Attain agreement before meeting starts

Dutch
--> Keep talking until everyone agrees

French
--> Explain what has been decided

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 11:03 AM

http://www.msxnet.org/humour/london-airport-announcements]London Airport Announcements

This is the story.....

We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow Airport, directly under one of the PA speakers where we put a tape machine in a bag with the microphone poking out of the top. Then we'd look for a flight that had arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect people with unpronounceable names i.e. Saudi Arabia, We would then go to the Airport Help Desk with a prewritten note containing the names of fictitious passengers and ask them to read out the names over the PA system.

The passenger's names looked innocent enough on paper but they sounded like something else when read out loud.

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 11:10 AM

Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians

Phreakmeister

November 16th, 2002, 11:14 AM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @$$.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh1t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @$$.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 08:57 PM

One day the first Grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 08:58 PM

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became
quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not
eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual
person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 08:59 PM

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "I'm broke, but if I show you something so amazing, will you let me drink all night and give me 50 bucks to boot ?"

Bartender says: "Show me"

Guy pulls a tiny piano out of his right front coat pocket.
He pull a piano stool out of his left front coat pocket.
Then, from his inside breast pocket, he pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, who promptly sits at the tiny piano and starts playing & singing show tunes.
The bar fills up with patrons, as this amazing piano player does requests and knows all the songs.

Bartender says "Here's the first of your drinks and here's your 50 bucks, but you have to tell me about this"

Guy says, " I was walking along the beach and kicked a bottle and out popped a hard-of-hearing genie who gave me one wish"

Bartender " Huh ? Hard of hearing ??"

Guy " Must have been..do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist ?"

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:00 PM

A man has just run over his pet Cocker Spaniel so
he takes the dog to the Vet, the Vet checks the dog and says, "I'm sorry but your dog is dead".

The man says, "But you just looked at him for a
minute. How can you be sure he's dead?"

The Vet says, "OK we'll make sure".

So the door opens and in comes a Labrador
Retriever who jumps up on the table with the dead dog and sniffs him up from tail to nose. He looks at the vet and shakes his head and says "bow wow". He jumps off the table and
leaves. A !%!%!%!%!%cat comes in the door, she jumps
up on the table with the dead dog and also sniffs him up completely, she looks at the Vet, shakes
her head and says "Meow".

The Vet now looks at the man and says, "Now are
you satisfied that your dog is dead?"

The man says, "Yes, go ahead and give me the
bill".

The Vet hands him a bill for $600.00.

The man goes ballistic. "$600.00! Just for telling
me my dog is dead"?

The vet says, "Well it was only $50.00 for my
prognosis, but you insisted on the Lab work and the Cat Scan".

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:01 PM

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:02 PM

The story goes that there was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store...

(please scroll page down)

What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:03 PM

Five pigs went into a bar. The first pig asked for one glass of beer. He drank
it and asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall
and to the right."

The second pig ordered 2 glasses of beer. He drank them and asked where
the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the right."

The third pig ordered 3 glasses of beer. He drank them down, then asked
where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the
right."

The fourth pig ordered 4 glasses of beer. He drank them down then asked
where the bathroom was. The bartender said, "Down the hall and to the
right."

The fifth pig ordered 5 glasses of beer. He drank them down, paid his tab,
then began to leave. The bartender stopped him and said, "Aren't you going
to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replied, "No. I'm the one
that goes wee-wee all the way home!"

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:04 PM

After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in Alaska, the
Department of Fish and Game released the following advisory:

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case
of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to
watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
Black Bear and Grizzly Bear poop. Black bear poop is
smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like
pepper.

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:05 PM

Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton
panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave
him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend
and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled
labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep,
diesel fitter."

mawil

November 16th, 2002, 09:05 PM

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table; he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the Coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

Idnew

November 18th, 2002, 07:45 AM

Disaster in Mexico

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter
scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a
million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start with providing help
to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending
troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The
European community is sending food and money. The United
States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

Sjax

November 18th, 2002, 10:02 AM

I am not sure if this one has been up, but here goes:

George W. Bush (it had to start like this, didnt it) and Tony Blair is talking. A journalist comes up to them and asks what they are talking about.
"We are gonna start WW3", Blair replies, "We will kill 1.2 billion moslems and one computertechnician."
"A computertechnician, why are you gonna kill a computertechnician?", the journalist asks:
"I told you..." Bush says to Blair, "...Noone will care about the moslems."

Idnew

November 20th, 2002, 07:46 AM

Arkansas Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out
of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a
man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the
country is looking for work."

Idnew

November 20th, 2002, 08:01 AM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and
imprisoned by the monarch of neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So the monarch offered him freedom, as Long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: The princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch-only she would know the answer. The price would be
high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur
was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises . etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Garwain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding
Garwain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between Relief and anguish. Garwain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Garwain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Garwain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Garwain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate
moments?

What would you do?

What Garwain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Garwain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

:lol

mawil

November 20th, 2002, 09:10 PM

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

:wave

sinecure

November 20th, 2002, 09:55 PM

Now I KNOW that most of you have never seen the famous 1940's Abbot and Costello comedy piece "Who's on First?" -- from which this parody springs... But for all you old folks out there who DO remember... enjoy :D

HU'S ON FIRST
by James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George Bush, Jr.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. and the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

:lol :lol

Serendipity

November 22nd, 2002, 08:59 PM

:lol @ Sin. Sad thing is... :eek:
---------------------------------------------

Q: How do you titillate an ocelot (http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/agarman/ocelot.htm)?

A: You oscillate its titalot... :cry :p :cuss :lol

mawil

November 25th, 2002, 11:30 AM

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive99, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive99 suite consists of three products: Condom99, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions.

Contraceptive99 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive99 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive99 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom99 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive99 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive99's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Serendipity

November 25th, 2002, 11:58 AM

No joke, Mawil, I can see a world where we won't be able to have a spot of how's-your-father without owing Bill Gates $20 :cry :eek: :lol

mawil

November 25th, 2002, 12:03 PM

Yeah, 'dipity. Scary, isn't it? :eek: :mad :)

Phreakmeister

November 30th, 2002, 12:25 PM

Humor (http://humor.tiscali.nl/funnypics/050.jpg)

Humor 2 (http://humor.tiscali.nl/funnypics/049.jpg)

Humor 3 (http://humor.tiscali.nl/funnypics/007.jpg)

Humor 4 (http://humor.tiscali.nl/funnypics/008.jpg)

http://humor.tiscali.nl/funnypics/060.jpg
Phreak the images are cute but could you just put links or maybe just one small one they are so large and take forever to load. Thanks, Idnew

mawil

November 30th, 2002, 10:11 PM

A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

DV8

December 2nd, 2002, 04:52 AM

*giggles :rolleyes:

Phreakmeister

December 3rd, 2002, 07:04 AM

Originally posted by mawil
A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

:o

DV8

December 3rd, 2002, 02:15 PM

*laughs...

I bet Phreaki was just wondering how he could disguse himself as a cucumber... :lol

Phreakmeister

December 4th, 2002, 11:08 AM

Originally posted by DV8
I bet Phreaki was just wondering how he could disguse himself as a cucumber... :lol

:eek:

How did you know?

:o

Idnew

December 6th, 2002, 09:06 AM

DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".

The teacher asked,
What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

December 6th, 2002, 04:19 PM

So who's deleting my posts?

TAFKAM

mawil

December 6th, 2002, 09:20 PM

NEW CLASSES FOR MEN, TO BE HELD AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Due to the complexity & difficulty level, each course will accept a
maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.
Step By Step, With Slide Presentation.

Topic 2 - Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
Round Table Discussion.

Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid
Splashing The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The
Floor.
Pictures And Explanatory Graphics.

Topic 5 - Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The
Sink?
Examples On Video.

Topic 6 - Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant
Other.
Helpline Support And Support Groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Looking In The Right Place
Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics And Audio Tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials (may be deleted due to unavailability of any
men able to give testimonials)

Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel
Parks.
Driving Simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother And
Your Wife.
Online Class And Role Playing.

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion.
Exercises, Meditation And Breathing Techniques.

Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To
Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered.

ILENSER

December 7th, 2002, 02:17 PM

A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? Well,
when you call the desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the clerk says "you go right ahead!"

How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to
32?
Yep! Seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "HEE HAW" in Alabama?
"DOCUMENTARIES"!!!

Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented
anywhere's else, they'd a called it a Teethbrush!

A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says
"you got any ID"? to which the driver replies "bout wut"??

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep!
Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss
too.
Burned both books and he hadn't even had a chance to color in either one!

A new law was recently passed in Mississippi, that states when a couple
gets divorce they will still remain cousins!

Idnew

December 9th, 2002, 08:29 AM

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators are too busy to talk to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down &
cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess
it up.

mawil

December 11th, 2002, 10:56 PM

The teacher wants her students to make a sentence with the word
'fascinate'.

The first little girl raises her hand and says, 'My family and I went to
the zoo and I found it fascinating.'

'That's very good but I want the word fascinate.'

Another one says, 'My father and I went to the movies and I was
fascinated.'

'That's also very good but I want the word fascinate.'

Little Johnny raises his hand but the teacher hesitates because he has a
foul mouth and

usually says nasty things but she figures he can't very well mess up
this word. 'Go ahead Johnny', she says.

Johnny says, 'My sister has a sweater with ten buttons but her boobs are
so big she can only fasten 8.'

mawil

December 12th, 2002, 08:55 PM

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES, without warning.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears that the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female must not let the Male know that Rule #6 applies - he should be able to work it out for himself.

9. The Female can change her mind at any time.

10. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written permission of the Female.

11. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

12. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

14. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

15. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater for her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

19. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

mawil

December 12th, 2002, 09:13 PM

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
3% vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% vitamin C
92% Fix-a-Flat

:eek:

mawil

December 12th, 2002, 09:19 PM

ILENSER

December 13th, 2002, 07:59 PM

Stressed-out Sam, sick of the rat race, quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, there’s a knock on his door. He opens it to find a huge bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. I'm having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. Say about five o’clock?"

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. There's gonna be some drinkin.'"

Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in big city business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says: "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Phreakmeister

December 13th, 2002, 09:02 PM

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping.
thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me

You totaled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What the hell was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.. Now that we've broke up... I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.... so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Mississippi)

ILENSER

December 14th, 2002, 09:59 AM

Subject: Note to Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect
in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have
to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).

He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all

the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

Phreakmeister

December 16th, 2002, 02:16 PM

http://www.bartcop.com/weak-ashamed.htm
http://www.bartcop.com/a!%!%!%!%namedlaura.htm
(Take a look at Laura's picture)

mawil

December 17th, 2002, 10:16 PM

Seasons Greetings

With the holidays coming, here's a fruitcake recipe that will help take
the stress out of this normally stressful time.

Ingredients:

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 tsp salt

1 cup brown sugar

3 oz lemon juice

1 cup nuts

1 gallon absolut vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.

Take a large bowl.

Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it.

Repeat.

Repeat again.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add water, eggs a 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make surr the vodca is still ok. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixers.

Chuck in the cup of dried fruitt or something.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.

Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the vodka.

Now sniff the lemon jice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Whip the bowl out the window.

Check the vidka again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes frucken rootcake anyway?

mawil

December 17th, 2002, 10:20 PM

What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe

How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year? They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

THE DEBATE

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Phreakmeister

December 20th, 2002, 03:45 PM

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent Night

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

mawil

December 20th, 2002, 11:09 PM

(Redneck style)

T'was the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

kontulib

December 21st, 2002, 06:37 AM

Originally posted by mawil
Seasons Greetings

With the holidays coming, here's a fruitcake recipe that will help take
the stress out of this normally stressful time.

Ingredients:

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 tsp salt

1 cup brown sugar

3 oz lemon juice

1 cup nuts

1 gallon absolut vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.

Take a large bowl.

Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it.

Repeat.

Repeat again.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add water, eggs a 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make surr the vodca is still ok. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixers.

Chuck in the cup of dried fruitt or something.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.

Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the vodka.

Now sniff the lemon jice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Whip the bowl out the window.

Check the vidka again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes frucken rootcake anyway?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :lol :lol :lol :lol

Great stuff Mawil!!! :D

mawil

December 21st, 2002, 07:56 AM

Thanks, K-lib.

Phreakmeister

December 21st, 2002, 06:33 PM

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call documentaries in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Southern Commandments
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.

mawil

December 23rd, 2002, 11:40 PM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next
day, the man realized that he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence(AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)

:p

mawil

December 23rd, 2002, 11:41 PM

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen.......had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man, in a red velvet suit, all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

mawil

December 24th, 2002, 07:34 PM

Philosophy 101

A philosophy professor stood before his class. He picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. He then asked the students if
the jar was full? They agreed that it was. The professor picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now,"
said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health,
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained,
your life would still be full. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same
goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you
will never have room for the things that are important to you."

But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled
the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always
room for BEER.

:cool

mawil

December 24th, 2002, 07:35 PM

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
-----------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT A WHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300. HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
----------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER. "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
---------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
----------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES--CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7-$9 PER HOUR.
-------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS $175.
--------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE--BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Phreakmeister

January 1st, 2003, 09:09 PM

These are the teams competing in the 1998 soccer/football World Championships in France.

BRAZILIAN SQUAD
1. Pinnochio
2. Libero
3. Vimto
4. Memento
5. Borneo
6. Tango
7. Cheerio
8. Subbuteo
9. Scenario
10. Fellatio
11. Portfolio
SUBSTITUTIONS
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Audio
Video
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro (GK)
Aristotle

SERBIAN SQUAD
1. Itch
2. Annoyingitch
3. Hardtoreachitch
4. Scratchtheitch
5. Hic (k)
6. Sic
7. Spic
8. Pric
9. Digaditch
10. Fallinaditch
11. Sewastitch
SUBSTITUTIONS
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch

RUSSIAN SQUAD
1. Whodyanicabolicov
2. Ticlycov
3. Chesticov
4. Nasticov
5. Slalomsky
6. Downhillsky
7. Risky
8. Swedishshev
9. Mastershev
10. Fu©kov
11. Taykitov
SUBSTITUTIONS
Rubitov
Whisky
Pastyshev
Najinsky
Desert Orchid
Lewinsky

ROMANIAN SQUAD
1. Chatanoogaciouciou
2. Atishiou
3. Blessiou
4. Thankyiou
5. Busqueue
6. Snookercu
7. Pennyciou
8. Twoapennyciou
9. Fourapennyciou
10. I'llgetciou
11. Youandwhosarmi
SUBSTITUTIONS
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu

DANISH SQUAD
1. Toomanigoalssen
2. Tryandstopussen
3. Crapdefenssen
4. Haveagossen
5. Firstsson
6. Seccondsson
7. Thirdsson
8. Legshurtssen
9. Notroubleseeingussen
10. Wherestheballssen
11. Getthebeerssen
SUBSTITUTIONS
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD
1. Baloni
2. Potbelli
3. Beerbelli
4. Giveitsumwelli
5. Wotsontelli
6. Toonsgotkenni
7. Onetoomani
8. Legslikejelli
9. Havabenni
10. Wobblijelli
11. Spendapenni
SUBSTITUTIONS
Cantthinkofani
Buggermi
Cometomi

MEXICAN SQUAD
1. San Francisco
2. Costa Brava
3. Hopelez
4. Juan Andonly
5. Manuel Gearbox
6. Don Cryformeargentina
7. Bodegas
8. Luis Canon
9. Sombrero
10. Chihuahua
11. Jose Canyouseebythedawnsearlylight
SUBSTITUTIONS
Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba

mawil

January 2nd, 2003, 02:07 AM

Five Drinking Levels
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Phreakmeister

January 11th, 2003, 05:19 PM

Top 10 Movie Titles That Could Be Porn But Aren't

10. In Too Deep
9. Chinese Box
8. The Astronaut's Wife
7. The General's Daughter
6. The Bone Collector
5. What Dreams May Come
4. The 400 Blows
3. The Whole Nine Yards
2. Reindeer Games
1. My Giant

Phreakmeister

January 11th, 2003, 05:24 PM

The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

13. Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
12. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
11. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
10. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
9. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
8. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
6. Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
5. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
4. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
3. Because setting the nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate balance.
2. Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.

and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...

Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town.

Phreakmeister

January 11th, 2003, 05:28 PM

The Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush

I Know What You Did Last Weekend, and So Does the Rest of the Country, Including Your Parents

The Cider House RULES!!

Glenfiddich Glen Ross

C.H.U.G.

Falling Down, Drunk

A Fish Called Jenna

The Texas Braincell Massacre

The Beer Hunter

101 Citations

The Legend of Drunken First Daughter

What Did You Do in the Bar, Daddy?

A Pack o' Schlitz, Now!

Tanked Girl

From Beer to Fraternity

Puking Tiger, Heaving Dragon

Dude, Where's My Lawyer?

Rebel Without a Card

Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me

The American Precedent

Me, Myself and I.D.

The Little Barmaid

The Keg and I

Good Morning, Magistrate!

Bend Hurl

The Hunt for OctoberFest

License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election

Drunk and Drunker

The Clodfather

9 1/2 Weeks -- of Community Service

Heaving Las Cervezas

Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!

You've Got Bail!

kontulib

January 12th, 2003, 09:30 AM

-What same is between Europeans and Americans?

Answer: Europeans thinks at USA is a country and Americans thinks at Europe is a country.

Here we find one difference between Europeans and Americans...Europeans are right and Americans are wrong.

MUHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

Enforcer

January 15th, 2003, 04:11 AM

hey mawil did you ever hear of this softwear against a cat walking on Ur keyboard... if a certain pattern is detected it will say cat-like typing detected and lock Ur keyboard

Phreakmeister

January 18th, 2003, 10:06 AM

Enforcer, als ik jou was zou ik niet zo met mn adres te koop lopen. Je weet nooit wie allemaal dit forum bezoeken.

DV8

January 20th, 2003, 04:54 AM

WB enforcer...

Phreakmeister

January 24th, 2003, 12:41 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bum," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Phreakmeister

January 24th, 2003, 09:44 PM

Hillary Clinton hadn't been feeling well so she went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is, now the Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls Chappaqua, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?!?! I can't believe this! I just found out that I am five weeks pregnant, and it's all your fault! YOUR FAULT!! Well, what do you have to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the other end of the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME?"
Finally, Bill says, in a very, very low whisper, "Who is this?"

Phreakmeister

January 24th, 2003, 09:45 PM

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men?

- they would have asked directions
- arrived on time
- helped deliver the baby
- cleaned the stable
- made a casserole
- brought practical gifts

Do you know what they would have said when they left?

* Did you see the sandals that Mary was wearing?
* That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!
* Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?
* I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now
* And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!
* Want to bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?

Phreakmeister

January 24th, 2003, 09:47 PM

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Sydney City Council has established a "Women Only" car park in George Street. Even the car park attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons. This car park is a world first for Australia.

http://www.natives.co.uk/features/jokes/car%20park.gif

Phreakmeister

January 25th, 2003, 07:43 PM

There was a poll about Bill Clinton recently. When asked if they would ever have sex with Bill Clinton, 90% of the women taking part in the poll said: "Never again!"

Phreakmeister

January 25th, 2003, 10:11 PM

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

zany

January 27th, 2003, 04:51 AM

:lol Thats a good un

zany

January 27th, 2003, 10:31 AM

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Phreakmeister

February 1st, 2003, 07:04 PM

"Tell me what your problem is," the psychiatrist said to the man who was suffering from a burn-out.
"Well, it's all because of my marriage. I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. She became my stepdaughter. My father visited us, fell in love with my stepdaughter, it turned out to be mutual and they got married. This made my stepdaughter my stepmother. My wife gave birth to a son. He became the brother-in-law of my father, since he was the halfbrother of my stepdaughter, who is married to my father. Since my son is the brother of my stepmother, he's also my uncle. The wife of my father, my stepdaughter and stepmother, also gave birth to a son. He is my brother, because he's the son of my father. But he's also my grandchild, because he's the son of my stepdaughter. My wife is my grandmother, because she's the mother of my stepmother, which makes me the grandson of my own wife. Since I'm married to my grandmother, I'm not only the husband and grandson of my wife, but also my own grandfather!"

Phreakmeister

February 1st, 2003, 10:41 PM

Fu, Bu and Chu decided to emigrate from China to the US. In order to become American citizens for 100%, they decided to Americanise their names.
Bu called himself Buck
Chu called himself Chuck
Fu went back to China...

A salesman was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. "You can make three wishes. But since the devil hates me, he will fulfill each of your wishes on your rival, in double," the genie said.
The salesman thought about this for a minute. "My first wish: I would like to have $10 million." The genie gave the man an account in Switzerland and assured him that he had $10 million on it. "But your rival has just received $20 million," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Immediately the genie presented a Ferrari. "But your rival has just received two Ferrari's." the genie said. "And what may be your last wish?"
"Well," the salesman said, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant..."

A businessman is being struck by fatigue on his way home. Because he doesn't want to cause any accidents, he pulls over for a nap. He finds a quiet country road. Within 5 minutes he falls asleep. All of a sudden he is awoken by someone banging on the frontscreen/windshield of the car. He opens the window and an elderly lady asks him for the time. "1.55pm", the man says. The woman thanks him and walks on. The businessman turns around and falls asleep. Ten minutes later, he's woken up by someone tapping on the frontscreen/windshield of the car. It's a jogger, who wants to know the time. "2.10pm," the businessman yells. The jogger thanks him and jogs on. The businessman realises that he'll never stay asleep this way. He gets a piece of paper and writes on it: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME!!! He tapes this to his windscreen/frontshield. Satisfied by his ingenuity he falls asleep again. He has barely fallen asleep again when someone is tapping on his frontscreen/windshield again. The businessman opens the window and looks at the face of a teenager. The teenager looks at his watch and says: "It's 2.25pm, sir."

DEAD ZONE

February 4th, 2003, 08:16 PM

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."*
Lynda
Montgomery

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a !%!%!%!%!%, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house," * Rod Stewart

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Will Rodgers

"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease"
was taken.
* Unknown, presumed deceased.Shot by pms wife no doubt.

My favorite;
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." * A. Whitney Brown

Phreakmeister

February 9th, 2003, 09:39 AM

A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father,
"Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said,
"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything. Your grandfather makes sure that everything's running smoothly here, so he will be the authorities. Our maid will be the working class because she works for us. You will be the people because you answer to us. Your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
The little boy said,
"Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. He also saw his grandfather watching through the window. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said,
"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class while the authorities are watching, the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of sh1t."

Phreakmeister

February 9th, 2003, 10:51 AM

CHINA
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

FRANCE
You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAMAICA
You have two cows. Whoa! catch that sucker before he jumps the moon. No...wait.... he's just rollerskating wait a minute are cows supposed to be purple and look like Bob Marley? Oh forget it. Pass the pipe.

JAPAN
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide

GERMANY
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

GREAT BRITAIN
You have two cows. Both are mad!

USA
You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.

SWEDEN
You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.

NEW ZEALAND
You have two cows, the one on the left is kinda cute! Wait a minute, it bleeted! It's really a sheep!

SPAIN
You have two cows, you stick horns on them, and get men to prance around an arena in clown outfits and throw spears at them until they bleed to death.

MEXICO
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a siesta.

SWITZERLAND
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. If they give milk, you tell no one.

ITALY
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

RUSSIA
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

CANADA
You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You wonder why you smell that way.

BRAZIL
You have two cows. One bred from the most expensive and productive cows around. It produces lots of good milk, so you feed it well, take extremely good care of it, and build it a stable to sleep in at night. The other cow is a descendent of your grandfather's beasts of burden. You feed it barely enough to keep it alive, and make it sleep outside. As a result, although potentially strong and useful, it produces little milk. Depressed, it sits in a corner all day playing a sad samba. Sometimes it steals the other cow's food, but you don't REALLY care enough about either of them to act, as long as the milk still makes you money.

GREECE
You have two cows. You claim subsidy from the EU for 400 cows. Your 199 first cousins, who also have two cows each, do the same. When the EU inspectors come around, you shift the 400 cows from cousin to cousin (on the beautiful EU subsidised Greek motorway system). Everyone gets subsidies for 400 cows. On the proceeds you open a hotel and drink Ouzo all day while your wife runs it.

HUNGARY
You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to your brother without telling him.

IRELAND
You have two cows. One is Catholic, one is Protestant. You must keep them in separate fields, occasionally they bite each other through the dividing fence. Hatred stops milk production.

ISRAEL
You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on a Palestinian's farm at no cost. One day, to feed his starving family, he milks them before you can. You demand the government imprison him and build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.

PALESTINE
You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace. When both cows die you blame the Jews.

CUBA
You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow faces months of legal rangles and publicity before being deported.

ZIMBABWE
You have two black-and-white cows. You decide that you don't like the white parts, so decide to hack them off with a knife. You then wonder why the cows seem to be dying. You blame the white cow in the next paddock for the whole thing.

SINGAPORE
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Phreakmeister

February 21st, 2003, 09:21 PM

Dear white fella, Couple things you should know...

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You white fella...

When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.

And you have the cheek to call me coloured?????

DEAD ZONE

March 30th, 2003, 12:53 AM

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his
cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
didn't
want to go on. Finally, when the
second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried
when
the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure
enough,
they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting
them
on. She managed to keep her cool
as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on
the
right feet. He then announced,
"These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why
didn't you say so?" And,
once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off
his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my
brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear
'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
mustered up the grace and courage
she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your
mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the
toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

Phreakmeister

March 30th, 2003, 10:51 AM

Ways for Personal Growth

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner
sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I ***ume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I
want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over
others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no
personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and
complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to
do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting
parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into
the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. ......
I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the
next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Phreakmeister

March 30th, 2003, 10:53 AM

http://lamp.man.deakin.edu.au/jokes98/gif00000.gif

ILENSER

April 5th, 2003, 10:15 PM

http://www.missouri.edu/~rls555/SCA/temp/geraldo.jpg

DEAD ZONE

April 6th, 2003, 03:58 PM

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas
couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
(fireworks are legal in most of Arkansas)
"light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 6."

The Arkie said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a
cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry
bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Alabama,Tennessee,
Kentucky, Mississippi,
and West Virginia

Phreakmeister

April 7th, 2003, 07:38 AM

Originally posted by DEAD ZONE
This procedure also works in Alabama,Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi and West Virginia

:lol

Good one. But it also works in Belgium, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Greece, Mexico and Barbados :p

DEAD ZONE

April 7th, 2003, 09:17 PM

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home
and
a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his
wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid..."Listen, would you like

to make $50,000?

Maid: What will I have to do?

Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman
he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the
gunshots,
then more footsteps

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?

Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

Maid: But there's no pool here.

(A long pause)

Wife: Is this 832-4821?

DEAD ZONE

April 7th, 2003, 09:19 PM

Originally posted by Phreakmeister

:lol

Good one. But it also works in Belgium, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Greece, Mexico and Barbados :p
I forgot Texas.:wink

DEAD ZONE

April 8th, 2003, 06:32 PM

How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages....

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe ich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e masu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas,
North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana,
Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky &
parts of Florida. . . . . . . . .Nice ***, Get in the truck!

Mary

April 12th, 2003, 12:56 PM

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."

King Solomon

April 12th, 2003, 02:14 PM

Originally posted by Mary
..."Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."

OH NO, here goes ANOTHER War :rolleyes:

Phreakmeister

April 13th, 2003, 01:07 PM

Originally posted by King Solomon
OH NO, here goes ANOTHER War :rolleyes:

And you can´t moderate it :wink

Phreakmeister

April 13th, 2003, 01:08 PM

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''

Idnew

April 22nd, 2003, 08:32 PM

Ok this is not a joke but a true story but got to keep this good stuff in one spot.
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most >loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)!
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is from her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think,
Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle. ! And giggle! And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
wacker........Priceless!

Sjax

April 25th, 2003, 07:07 AM

ManYoo Computer viruses...

Manchester United virus - This is where the computer develops a memory
disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - This one is especially hard to detect as
it changes its format every 3 months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer
looks great, all the lights are on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise
and the on-screen clock runs a lot faster or slower than all the other
computers in the building.

The Diego Forlan virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the
'inbox'.

The Fabian Barthez virus - You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it
thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic
fluctuation in performance.

Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and Old Trafford........
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!

Q) What is the difference between David Beckham and God?
A) God doesn't think he is David Beckham.

Q: How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing"
commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to
Torquay.

Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and Man United?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!

Q: How does David Beckham change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester.

Q: How do you kill a Man Utd fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he falls in

Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office. 'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been meself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? Posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that somefink is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everyfink. I can't concentrate on me football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie.

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing **** because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everyfink but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bloody jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everyfink but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..' Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk. Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham........

'Put the freakin' Frosties back in the box David'..!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------David Beckham goes out and buys the best car available, a brand new Ferrari. It is also the most expensive car in the world, it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

David Seaman on his moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. Seaman looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

Beckham replies, "A Ferrari . It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says Seaman ." Why does it cost so much?"

"Well, for one thing, this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" says Beckham proudly.

Seaman asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem,"

So old man Seaman pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, old man Seaman says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my moped."

Just then the light changes, so Beckham decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" Becks asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's Seaman on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. Beckham stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, Seaman is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

And Seaman whispers, "Unhook . . . my suspenders . . . from your . . . sidemirror."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saddam has just given an interview.
He said: "To prove that I am still alive, I'll say that Liverpool played really bad this week."
The british government have dismissed the interview, arguing that it could have been taped months ago.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish!Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
No.3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but comtinued to fly around.
"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor."The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision.... that takes skill!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First time...
It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile
searching for an excuse, but he refuses to
be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your
head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you
shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like
he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you
to trust him he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider
to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he
slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you
as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel
the tissue give way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's
too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but
youshake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you
are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something
bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting,glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you,
with a chuckle; that you have been his most
stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Just what did you think we were talking about ......

ILENSER

April 28th, 2003, 10:25 PM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"

The boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be
left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a
message with the person who should be there watching over
the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss
asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and
Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the
boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated
the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

Idnew

May 6th, 2003, 08:55 AM

:lol

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that
our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our
mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

King Solomon

May 14th, 2003, 11:52 AM

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert of California, east of Bakersfield, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried they couldn't get their brand new 22 FT Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane out at all and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go they pulled into the local marina thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough condition check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Phreakmeister

May 15th, 2003, 07:52 AM

Al Gore and George W. Bush agree that there is way too much explicit material on TV today. Bush believes there is too much violence on TV, while Gore believes there is too much sex and nudity.
Translation: Bush wants less gore, and Gore wants less bush.

Phreakmeister

May 18th, 2003, 06:34 AM

Saddam Hussein calls Bush and tells him he's had an amazing dream. "I could see all of America. It was wonderful. On top of each building there was a flag, saying Allah is God and God is Allah."
"You know, Saddam, that's funny," Bush says, "I've had a similar dream, but about Baghdad. The city was completely rebuilt, and on every building was a flag."
"What did they say?" Saddam asks.
"I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."

DustyBottoms

May 26th, 2003, 12:34 AM

Subject: Jamaican Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some
special sandals I ink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Phreakmeister

May 26th, 2003, 05:12 AM

What is silver and goes back in time?
The plane to Texas

:wink

Idnew

May 28th, 2003, 08:38 AM

Not nice Phreak

:p

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

:lol

Phreakmeister

May 31st, 2003, 01:14 PM

After the victory of his favourite football club, John dies of a heart attack. A few weeks later, Steve, his best friend, is watching tv when he suddenly hears John'se voice of the recently deceased. Panicking, he asks: "John, is that you???" "Yes, it's me," John, the recently deceased, answers. "So what's it like in heaven? Do they play football over there as well?", Steve asks. "Well," John answers, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" "Start with the good news," Steve answers. "The good news is that they play football in heaven as well." "That's great. But what's the bad news?" "You're in the starting line-up for tomorrow's match..."

DustyBottoms

June 2nd, 2003, 04:28 AM

There was an Arizona phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Irish guys and a team of Polish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was tough going, but they'd
put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Polish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

Phreakmeister

June 7th, 2003, 08:22 AM

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

Phreakmeister

July 13th, 2003, 03:59 PM

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish. The woman answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever b1tches. Don't mess with them.

DustyBottoms

July 17th, 2003, 02:11 PM

One of my favorites--------

Phreakmeister

July 17th, 2003, 02:27 PM

Originally posted by DustyBottoms
Attachment: cowguys.jpg

That is such a load of "bull" :wink

sinecure

July 18th, 2003, 03:38 PM

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, in shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

:lol :lol :clap :wave

DustyBottoms

July 18th, 2003, 06:34 PM

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: He had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few
bucks myself."

DustyBottoms

July 19th, 2003, 07:08 PM

The Construction Crew

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied," I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-*****es at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a ****!"

Phreakmeister

July 23rd, 2003, 03:07 PM

Not really up-to-date anymore :rolleyes:

All six of Saddam's doubles were called to a meeting to be briefed as to what their job in the next few days was. Each of them came eagerly to see what their great leader had in mind for them and also because they were worried after not hearing from him after the initial bombings. Uday came into the conference room with his Republican Guards behind him.
"I have good news.. and also I have bad news." Uday said. "The good news is Saddam is alive and well so you all may keep your jobs!" The look-alikes all cheered and praised Saddam and Allah. "The bad news is, he has lost an eye and an arm..."

Phreakmeister

July 26th, 2003, 09:01 PM

Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner." Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?" Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner." Saddam said, "What was on the banner?" Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke." "Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face. Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.
Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin. At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."
They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks. Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.
Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has. Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared." They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam. Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.
Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "F*ck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."
Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade. The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775."
"Very Good"! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do". She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991"
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh1t. if you say anything I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh1t, we're in Big trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003"

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52... F-16... B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

Idnew

August 22nd, 2003, 08:15 AM

Noah's Ark

The Lord came to Noah. In Canada, in the year 2003 Earth was wicked and
over-populated. The Lord
instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing
along with a few good
humans.

"Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start
the
unending rain for 40 days
and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping
in his flooded yard -
and no Ark.

"Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a
building
permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My
neighbors claim that I have
violated the neighbourhood Zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard
and
the height limitation
being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a
decision."

"Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted
a
bond posted for the future
costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the
passage for the Ark's
move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear
nothing of this."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees
in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed
the
wood to save the owls. No
go! I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too
restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so
confined a space."

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without
filing an
environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint
with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
The trades union wants
me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience."

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish
this
Ark." Suddenly the skies
cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah
looked up in wonder.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.

"No", said the Lord. "Your Government beat me to it."

TypicalExBf

September 27th, 2003, 03:39 AM

A republican, a democrat, and a liberal walk into a bar.

Thats it. Really I swear :confused:

*has a tomatoe thrown at me*

aclu14

September 27th, 2003, 10:46 PM

A multi-million-dollar initiative to help charities was proposed in Congress.

A Republican said, Screw it.
A Democrat said, Tax it.
An Independent said, GIVE THOSE MULTI-MILLIONS TO CHARITY!

Sjax

October 31st, 2003, 03:27 AM

This one will test your English! If you've traveled in the Orient, you'll really appreciate this one! Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect). It's amazing,.

-------------------------------------------------------
---

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

DustyBottoms

November 2nd, 2003, 01:57 PM

Two Cows (updated)

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who

has only one cow, which was a gift from your

government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks

the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the

milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO

on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you

have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of

an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of

beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles

an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of

vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you

really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while

they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

EGYPTIAN CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to

milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for

the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows
Most are illegals
Arnold likes the ones with the big boobs