The Cheese Shop

[Serendipity]

So. What's it to be, then?

*Yells* Get your lovely cheese!!

[aclu14]

Cheddar please!

[Serendipity]

Cheddar, coming up. Would you like mild or tasty, and how much would you like? :)

[aclu14]

Extra sharp, um...just a little piece please.

[Serendipity]

Coming right up... oh. Oh dear. Extra sharp. The delivery's not come in yet. Anything else? :)

[aclu14]

I'll wait :p

[Serendipity]

OK.

*phone rings. Dippy the cheese man answers it*

Hello? (...) Yes, this is The Cheese Shop. (...) Oh that's TERRIBLE! (...) He'll survive, but won't swim for his county again? That's so sad! (...) OK, well I suppose it can't be helped. Thank you. *Hangs up*

Madam, I'm afraid there's been a bit of a tragedy with the delivery man. An accident. There'll be no Extra Sharp Cheddar today, nor for a little while to come! Can I get you anything else? :)

[ILENSER]

*Walks in notices a man behide counter has finished momentary with the young lady, and ask if he could help me.*

*stepping up to the counter*


Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now,

skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over

all peckish.

[RockBottomDLux]

1 lb. American sliced please.

[ILENSER]

And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!


I want to buy some cheese.

Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

[aclu14]

Hey! This is a CHEESE shop! There is supposed to be CHEESE in a CHEESE shop! Now I want my favorite CHEESE!

[~wildangel~]

motzarella, im makin a pizza:)

[Serendipity]

Red Leicester... Red Leicester - I'm afraid we're fresh out of it, sir. Should be here Tuesday.

American sliced? Are you sure that's cheese, young sir?

Young lady, didn't you see the sign on the door? This is, as you say, a cheese shop. Of course we have cheese!

Mozzarella for madame, coming right up.

[Serendipity]

Ah. The mozzarella is a little dry, I'm afraid. I wouldn't want to sell it to you like that.

[ILENSER]

Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilset?

[Serendipity]

Tilset? I'm sorry, but a group of Tibetan Buddhist monks came in just a short while ago, bought the entire stock! It's a tradition, apparently.

[ILENSER]

Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Cafilly, if you please.

[aclu14]

Lemmee guess, your fresh out DIps.

[Serendipity]

Caerphilly? Haven't you heard? The Welsh Cheesemakers Union has been on strike for the last two weeks, and there's not a crumb to be had, sir. I gather the last morsel was lost three days ago in a fist-fight between Michael Winner and Luciano Pavarotti. Dreadful scene, sir.

[ILENSER]

'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bell Paisey?

[RockBottomDLux]

It's called American cheese. And I want mine sliced. For sandwiches.

[Serendipity]

Bell Paisey, sir - ah, the last piece rolled under the well-stocked cheese rack we have in our Cheese Storage room, got fearfully dusty. I would let you have it, sir, but I'm afraid we have a reputation to maintain.

Young sir, I believe that what you are seeking is not cheese at all. It's certainly not in our comprehensive catalogue of fine cheeses, all of which are available.

[ILENSER]

Any Norweigan Yarlsburger, per chance.

[Serendipity]

Ah. Some rather persistent mice got into the delivery van, I'm afraid, sir. Good news for the local dog's home - Pyrennean Mountain dogs are rather partial, it would seem, but bad news for your good self. I am sorry, sir.

[ILENSER]

Brie,?
Roquefort,?
Pol le Veq, Porceileu, ?
Savoy Aire, Sampolan, ?
Carrier de lest,?
Bres Bleu,?
Bruson?

[Serendipity]

I'm afraid not, sir. May I ask if you're an aficionado of the cinematic arts, sir?

[ILENSER]

Ah....Somewhat......Why are you about to tell me that local cinema has a superb cheese topping on their Popcorn?

[Serendipity]

No sir. There is a small independent cinéma just two streets away, they recently showed a French film entitled "Les Fromages sont Completement Disparus", sir. Just two screenings has led to a minor fad in this vicinity for cheeses from the Gallic quarter of the Continent, and we sold our last sliver of Brie only this morning, sir. I gather it's an amusing film, however - I'm sure you know the French are famed for their moving pictures.

[ILENSER]

Ahh..Well now...humm.....I see....
Well my good fellow, Have you by chance any Japanese Sage Darby?

Or may per chance a dash of Smoked Austrian?

Or even a wee bit of Camenbert, perhaps?

[Serendipity]

Er, no. Sadly, our last stocks of all three of those fell into a food mixer, thereby becoming commingled. The mixture is not unpalatable, but since regulations forbid the sale of any cheese without certifiable proof of its pedigree, I'm afraid I cannot pass any on to you sir; the law would be on to me like a ton of bricks were I not to adhere strictly to the Cheese & Curd Vendor's Code of Conduct.

[ILENSER]

Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

[Serendipity]

Yes?

[ILENSER]

Good, I have 4 oz of Wensleydale.

* This fellow reminds me of a chap down in Kent that sold me a dead parot nailed to it's perch.*

[Serendipity]

No, that's my name. I'm Mr Wensleydale.

[ILENSER]

..................................* long pause*

Greek Fetta?

[Serendipity]

Feta? We did have some, plenty in fact, but there's a grim story attached to it, sir. My dear lady wife was having trouble with her downstairs waterworks, and the leader of the self-help group she attended advised the liberal smearing of grated Feta on the aforementioned anatomical region. She's cured now, thank the Lord, but the process rendered unsaleable the otherwise admirable Hellenic curdled dairy product. I apologise on her behalf, sir.

[ILENSER]

Danish Bimbo?

The cheese, not your wife.

[Serendipity]

Danish Bimbo? There is a somewhat unfortunate trade embargo on all Danish dairy produce, sir, owing to the recent outbreak of BSE, otherwise known as Mad Cow Disease, in Denmark.

Of course, in Copenhagen you can buy Bimbo, Sjugvǿkjå, and all other Danish domestic cheeses at very much reduced prices. Sadly, the EU won't let them export so much as a truckle, however, never mind the truckload that we would normally stock - if you'll forgive the pun, sir.

It doesn't seem to be your day, sir.

[ILENSER]

Venezuelan Bever Cheese?

[~wildangel~]

:lol :lol Illenser:lol Reminds me of Leisure Suit Larry:lol

[ILENSER]

Well my good man, from the blank look on your face I'll take the answer as a no.....

In that case how about some Longhorn Coby?

*What kind of cheese shoppe is this?*

[RockBottomDLux]

Not much of a cheese shop if you ask me.
This is the Playground Dipster; we should be able to get Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz Cheese if we want. :D

[Serendipity]

Gentlemen, please! Playground? This is a cheese shop! Of course, we would, under normal circumstances, have a copious amount of Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz cheese, but owing to a huge order of said comestible from a recent Typesetters Convention held in a nearby hotel, our stock has been depleted.

Longhorn Coby, sir? Although it goes against the grain to pass the buck, there was a small clerical error on the part of our suppliers, sir. This error led to our receipt of a consignment one tenth of the usual quantity, sir. And I'm sure you appreciate that such a small stock of such a popular cheese doesn't last long on our busy shelves. The cheese trade, like many others, operates on the "first come, first served basis", sir, though I'm sure you won't make the faux pas of assuming any favouritism on our part if you are left without.

[The Horseman]

*Runs into the Cheese Shop, knocking everyone out of the way*

Quick man! There's a man with a gun in the shop across the road! He's going to start shooting people unless he gets 20oz. of Edam in the next minute!

[ILENSER]

Edam, ummm.

*Maybe if there is any left, hummmmm. Bites lip so not to drool. Waits so see out come.*

[The Horseman]

For God's sake, it's an emergency! That's the only shop that let's people use their toilets, and I'm desperate!

*I know, I know. I shouldn't have had that large coke before I left the hangout......*

[ILENSER]

Calm down, relax......

Here this will help ... Just imagin a waterfall during a gentle rain running into a babbling brook.

Why are you dancing like that?

[xV35ballx]

Dippy, my dear, could I get some Swiss cheese? Please? *smiles most a irresistable smile*

[aclu14]

CHEDDAR!!!!

[Serendipity]

20 Oz. of Edam? But... I regret to announce that this establishment has been very recently the victim of a robbery, albeit an inadvertent one, into which the local constabulary are as we speak looking most assiduously, I hope. Let me explain. Shortly before any of you first came in here, a group of visiting colour-blind bowls players (http://www.eiba.co.uk/) entered, having seen a small pyramid of whole Edam cheeses on display. I assume they thought this shop has some connection with the indoor bowling green across the road - probably due to the proximity. They had neglected to bring their own bowls with them, and most likely thought this shop was the place where you pick up bowls, to judge by the way the helped themselves! It is no such thing, of course. It is a cheese shop. If you want 20 Oz. of Edam in a hurry, you had best make for the aforementioned indoor bowling green. It's just across the way, you can't miss it. It has a lavatory facility too, I believe.

Never fancied the sport myself. I do hope the cheese doesn't get damaged - it may be needed as evidence.


Madam! Your beauty is beyond words [conveniently :cool - Dipster], I - I am, er... I regret - no, rue that I cannot, er, there is no, uhm, that is to say... ...Swiss cheese, you say? With the holes in?

Miss, with respect, the cheddar situation has been explained to you.

[ILENSER]

*No Edam, damn! Nor Swiss! Cheddar ? How could he be out of Cheddar?*

Excuse me kind sir, Did I hear you right? You do not have Cheddar? Why it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

[Serendipity]

There was, as I have explained, an accident with the delivery vehicle. The popularity of Cheddar I do not deny, but as it is such a popular cheese, so is it widely available. Hence, we - carrying, as we do, a great stock of other, less readily available cheeses - don't care to keep a large amount of it in stock. We are a shop for people such as your very good self, sir - connoisseurs of cheese.

Our supplier of Cheddar has, this week, been injured. I am sorry, sir, but the circumstances are out of the control of this establishment.

[ILENSER]

You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

[xV35ballx]

Yes, Swiss cheese is the cheese with holes in it.

[Serendipity]

Originally posted by ILENSER
You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? Of course, sir! This is a Cheese Shop.

Yes, Swiss cheese is the cheese with holes in it. Owing to a deal between the EU and the WTO, the import of cheeses which are more that 40% air is illegal! That is, I'm afraid, completely beyond my control, madam.

[ILENSER]

Very good we have establisted that this is a cheese shop.
What we have not establisted is the brand, type, flavor, colour, or the shape of any cheese that you may have in stock.

Now my good fellow do you have Illchester?
*he asked expecting to answer 'no' *

[The Horseman]

*Does a fairly good impression of someone with St Vitus's dance, and wishes eternal pain and suffering on Dips*

[Serendipity]

*Phones for an ambulance to deal with Horse*

Illchester? It's a bit runny, sir. I wouldn't want to sell it to you like this.

[ILENSER]

Oh, I like it runny.

[ILENSER]

*Hope young man thats dancing around is ok, Oh, he headed to a corner of the shop. Whats he doing over there?*

[The Horseman]

*Damn. Illy's noticed what I'm doing. Rezips flies, and pretends that the stuff in the bucket in Dips' utility cupboard is nothing to do with me*

----------

Am I foul or what :D

[ILENSER]

* Oh good. The young fellow seems to be calming down, he's not dancing anymore.*

[ILENSER]

*Turns attention back to shop owner*

Well my good fellow,
How about that Illchester? I do like it a bit runny.

* smacks lips with antisapation *

[The Horseman]

Looks around the Cheese Shop, noting for the first time the distinct lack of any sort of cheese

[DV8]

Since you seem to have nothing along the lines of cheeze, I thought maybe you would have something other than cheeze...
Dipster, I would like some pickles please.

[DV8]

*Opens her own Cheeze Shop*

I sell everything from Ilchester Five Counties to the X-tra Tangy Red Cheddar!!!! Come get your cheeze now!
I am always stocked (I do not make my mistake in relying upon one delivery man nor do I allow any rodents into my cheeze store!:() and ready to make business, my shop is open longer than 7/11!

Also I offer toilets to the public at 10 pence a piss. Sh/itting is permited, please read protocol upon entrance.

[Serendipity]

Ah! Competition! Of course, DV8, your little venture is doomed to failure. Your establishment may have cheese in it, but mine has something money can't buy: a good reputation!! Customers will still flock here for their curdled dairy produce, mark my words. That's because of the civil and courteous treatment my valued customers get before I turn them away empty-handed.

[The Horseman]

*Gets knocked to the floor by the stampeed to customers leaving Dips' place to get into DV's shop*

[aclu14]

*lets some rats loose in DV8's shop*

[xV35ballx]

It's ok Dippy. I'm still here. *smiles again*

[Serendipity]

Would you be here, even if I...

*chokes back tears*

...even if I...







...even if I had NO CHEESE?

[The Horseman]

Aclu! Letting rats into DV's shop! Stop wasting our dinner!:)

[ILENSER]

AAAaaahummm

Sir, I am still waiting on that Illchester....

[DV8]

*is devastated at Aclu's rat-release...*

*cries :cry

Do you really hate me that much?!?

*neatly wraps some gorgeous Illchester for Ilenser...

*looks around for RatKeel Inc.'s number...

[:p @ Dips]

[DV8]

*hands Dips some mild cheddar.

Btw, first time customers can have their first pounda cheeze free!!

*thinks about diversifying into crackers and fresh milk...

[~wildangel~]

:clap*yay* to Dippy and ILLENSER:clap

[The Horseman]

Originally posted by DV8
*hands Dips some mild cheddar.



Someone actually selling cheese. Is this a first in the history of this thread?:D

[Serendipity]

For anyone wondering about this thread, read The Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch (http://www.montypython.net/scripts/cheese.php) :)

[The Horseman]

*Wonders about what the door next to him leads to. He opens it, and walks through into what seems like a pet shop. Surrounded by pets, he sees the door leading out, and walks outside to see whose pet shop it is.

The sign outside reads 'Dippy's Cheese Shop and Pet Emporium'. Ahh. Dips does pets as well. Might as well have a word with him about that bird he sold me the other day.

Goes back home, grabs the cage, and comes back. After walking through the door, plonks the cage down on the desk, and says*

'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(:D :D :D )

------------

Sorry Dips, but it's Python. Someone had to start this.

[Serendipity]

Yes, sir?

[The Horseman]

I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

[Serendipity]

What's wrong with it, sir?

[aclu14]

He ate all the cheese!

[The Horseman]

It's still alive! :mad I purchased this parrot on the express promise that it would die, and I'd be able to perform the 'Dead Parrot' sketch properly. And it's still alive!

[ILENSER]

Excuse me but you do have a lot of books here.

Do you have a copy of 'Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent' by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?

[~wildangel~]

:clap :lol

[ILENSER]

http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v3/1/40/84/43414084nDoMSH_ph.jpg

Ok now it is.

[ILENSER]

I Am Sorry But This Thread Has Become TOO Silly!
http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v2/1/43/70/43414370MUrXkQ_ph.jpg

http://community.webshots.com/storage/1/v2/1/43/70/43414370MUrXkQ_ph.jpg

[The Horseman]

*There's no such thing as too silly Illy:D . If you want an explantion of what I'm talking about, go to Dip's link, and go to the section of the scripts of the Flying Circus. Look up the Pet Shop (Dead Parrot version). It's one of the most famous sketches in British comedy*

[ILENSER]

(* Horse, of course I know the skit,:) look at my post " Good I'll have 4 oz of Wensleydale" :) .. Wont you remember in the middle of any skits the Colonel Temporarily stopping the skit saying this is too silly?*)

[The Horseman]

By Jove, I believe you're right!

*I apologise, Illy, for my temporary lose of intelligence*

[aclu14]

I WANT MY EXTRA-SHARP CHEDDAR!!! :mad

[The Horseman]

I want Sarah Michelle Gellar butt-naked on my own Caribbean island, sitting next to $1billion in cash but I'm not going to get it.

(Oh yeah, and while I'm going through my wish list - the opening batsman place for the England Cricket team, my own Ska band and a Shelby Mustang GT 500)

[Serendipity]

Originally posted by aclu14
I WANT MY EXTRA-SHARP CHEDDAR!!! :mad Aclu, get this: There is no cheese. There never was any cheese. Cheeseless, that's what this place is. As they say in France:

Il n'y a pas de fromage.

This establishment lacks all and any curdled dairy produce.

Am I getting through?

[The Horseman]

Probably not Dips. The girl wants her chedder, and she's not going to stop until she gets some

Couldn't you bend the rules a bit?

PS - You wouldn't happen to have any of the things mentioned on my wish list, would ya? I know it's a long shot but......

[Sjax]

Why havent I discovered this thread earlier. I love Monthy Python. Thanks dippy and Ilenser for reminding me about the cheese shop skit.

My favourite monthy python skit would be the one about the funniest joke in the world which make people die because they laugh so hard, and is used in the war against the huns.

[aclu14]

AHHH, FORGET THE CHEESE.
HEY HORSEMAN! HAVING FUN ON YOUR ISLAND?

[RockBottomDLux]

Ahh, yes. The Cheese Shop Skit. Shall we reenact it?

[ILENSER]

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

and CHEESE

[RockBottomDLux]

Don't forget the baked beans!

[aclu14]

EW! Spam and baked beans are NASTY!!!

[Serendipity]

You have no sense of taste or style, Aclu!

*Dribbles baked beans over Spam fritter a la hockeypuck, then tucks in* :lol

[The Horseman]

Originally posted by aclu14
HEY HORSEMAN! HAVING FUN ON YOUR ISLAND? [/B]

I want Sarah Michelle Gellar butt-naked on my own Caribbean island, sitting next to $1billion in cash

Yes Aclu. Yes I am:D

Dips - Spam is nasty. Baked beans are nasty. Gotta go with Alcu on this one.

[Serendipity]

Ummm... Irony, chaps? ;)

If 19,000+ Spam Haiku is your kinda thing, then Click Here (http://pemtropics.mit.edu/~jcho/spam/)

Like Pepto Bismol,
Fiberglass insulation:
SPAM, too, is too pink. - Norm Lunde

[aclu14]

:lol

[The Horseman]

Yeah, but baked beans.....spam.......ew!

Nice site btw

[The Horseman]

Yeah, but spam....baked beans....spam and baked beans.....ew!

Nice site btw :lol

[ILENSER]

Did you hear an echo?

[aclu14]

Did you hear an echo?

[The Horseman]

No, I didn't hear an echo

[The Horseman]

....hear an echo....

[The Horseman]

.....an echo.....

[DV8]

*walkins into the room, looks around, adjusts the room's time warp machine back to normal*

[DV8]

*w-w-walkins back into the room, looks around, adjusts the room's time warp machine back to normal*

[aclu14]

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!

[ILENSER]

My Tardis is broken

[The Horseman]

No worries Illy. I know this place on the far side of Neptune - it's called Pete and Bob's Tardis Repair shop. If you can get that far, they're bound to have the part y'need

[aclu14]

?

[Serendipity]

My Tardis functions just fine, but it's the wrong shape! It looks for all the world like a Wendy House, which gives off all the wrong messages to the inhabitants of Gallifray...

[The Horseman]

That's kinda odd. I mean, I've always thought of Gallifray as a fairly inclusive place, that accepts you whatever your race, sexual preference or Wendy House

[Serendipity]

Nah, I mean, you turn up - a Time Lord no less, old as the hills an' that - and you get these guys who look at you funny and offer you sweets when you step out of your Wendy-Tardis. I've had to use that spooky device with the mirror that makes a whirring noise on them no end...

[The Horseman]

Oh, you mean the Spooky-whirring-mirror device :). Last time I had to use one of those, I was on Tirelius Prime, during that nasty business with the sand-beetles. But that's another story.

[ILENSER]

Don't make fun of my Tardis, She's a model 40.
Old but ....................OK, old. I love her just the same.

Come on K-9, let's go. Romana cooking tonight and it's your turn to clean the dishes.

[ILENSER]

Crapes! where and I going to get Orion Bread at this hour?

* Runs out of Tardis jumps in WHO1, runs back to Tardis gets Sonic Screwdriver (never know when you'll need it) Jumps back in WHO1, sets it to hover and heads toward Paris. *

Romana well have to do with french bread instead.

[aclu14]

:confused:

[The Horseman]

Illy, why should I make fun of the model 40s? I mean, they knew how to make a Tardis with style back then.

[Serendipity]

Looks like Aclu's stowed in the 'B' ship from Golgafrincham. Perhaps this (http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/) will sort her out :)

[aclu14]

Ooooookay.....

[The Horseman]

Ah, no. It seems that she does not grasp the true magnificance that was Doctor Who.

[ILENSER]

Well if the Master shows back up she wish she had.

[The Horseman]

True. She's actually in a lot of danger if you think about it. No knowledge about how to stop the Cybermen, doesn't know how to disable a Dalek......

[Serendipity]

My first clown teacher was Sylveste McCoy :)

[The Horseman]

Really?

[ILENSER]

Also Really?

The best I,ve done was meet Jon Pertwee at a Who convention in Tampa.

[Serendipity]

Really really.

[King Solomon]

Really for reals???

[aclu14]

*shakes her head*

[The Horseman]

Hmm. Kinda cool

[ILENSER]

Question/ Dr Who

Do any remember Jamie? "The scottish boy"

If he was from the 1600s, why is he wearing a kilt from the 1800s ?

The Wee Kilt was make after the fall Cullodin.

[Serendipity]

Nope, don't remember Jamie. But true Dr Who aficionados don't worry about details like that.

S. McCoy co-directed a youth theatre show I was in when I was 14. Given that I had known him through TV since Vision On in the early 70s, I was very pleased just to meet him, never mind work with him. I learned a lot. :)

[The Horseman]

Originally posted by Serendipity
I was very pleased just to meet him, never mind work with him. I learned a lot. :)

He wouldn't have told you how to fix a temporal flux capacitator, would he?

[Serendipity]

Frayed knot. Why, what's the problem? Tachyon seepage?

[The Horseman]

It may be.

The basic problem is that I can't get the transparital phase locators to align. I did a diagnostic on all systems, and it turns out that one of my temporal flux capaciators is not emitting the normal amount of cronaton radiation. D'you think a tachyon leak might be the reason?

[Idnew]

And where did the cheese go? :confused: I'd like some swiss if there is any left around here.

[The Horseman]

Aunty Id, there's no cheese. That's the entire point of the thread.

[aclu14]

:D

[The Horseman]

And besides, we've evolved out of discussing cheese. We're now talking about a cheesy program instead :)

[aclu14]

Oh, my. :(

[ILENSER]

Doctor Who, a cheesy show!!!!?

May K9 bite you on the arss.

[aclu14]

Yes Id this is the cheeseless shop.

[The Horseman]

Dr Who was a cheesy show Illy and you know it. That's what made it so wonderful

[ILENSER]

OK.........K9 come! Leave Horse's but alone....

[The Horseman]

Do y'know he had his own brief spin-off show?

[ILENSER]

k9 and friends
Sahra Jane

[The Horseman]

And I can safely presume that you have every video?

[ILENSER]

most...many are lost..some were found a few years ago in Australia.

[The Horseman]

Fair enough. You have justified your claim to be a true Doctor Who fan

You sad, sad man

[ILENSER]

You mean it's ok to wear my 14 foot scarf in public?:)

[The Horseman]

Go right ahead:D