Joke Thread - Keep'em Coming

[Idnew]

Oh that husband store is too cool. I have never seen that one.

[Idnew]

~TWENTY DOLLARS~



On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new

Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first

Lovemaking encounter. In

His highly aroused state, her husband readily

Agreed.









This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more

Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to

Afford new clothes and other incidentals that

She needed.





Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find

Her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer

Was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had

Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of

59, he'd be able to find

Another position that paid anywhere near what

He'd been earning, and

Therefore, they

Were financially ruined.





Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

Showed more than thirty

Years of steady deposits and interest totaling

Nearly $1 million. Then she

Showed him certificates of deposits issued

By the bank which were worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they

Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.





She explained that

For the more than

Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,

These holdings had multiplied

And these were the

Results of her savings and investments.



Faced with evidence of cash and investments

Worth over $3

Million, her husband was so astounded he could

Barely speak, but

Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If

I'd had any idea what you

Were doing, I would have given you all my

Business!'





That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

To keep their mouths shut.

[DustyBottoms]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ...."

[Idnew]

One way to get rid of a spouse I guess

[Idnew]

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?


On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

[RosieWolf]

ROFLMAO!! oh that is tooooooooo dang funny!! hahahahha.. compared to ted, etc.. snickerz.. hilarious!

[Idnew]

Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in�WVA asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

� Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

� Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va. drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

[Idnew]

Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.
The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff. Who was saved?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
AMERICA

[Idnew]

It would be funny if it weren't so close to being true!

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of
President Obama.
The stamp was not
sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation.
After a month of
testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending,
a special
Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in
perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are
spitting on the wrong side....

[DustyBottoms]

Sven was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had
just told them he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the
next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his
fellow hunting buddies Sven left to go back home to his wife.

When Sven's friends started arriving to set up camp the next
day, who should be there but Sven sitting in front of his tent,
beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals..

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Sven?" "I didn't
have to" was Sven's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up
behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a
beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the

bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

[Idnew]

Oldie but goodie

[Idnew]

A Womens Poem

_*He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the chit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

[Idnew]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It
started to sink, who would be saved? .... America !
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

[Idnew]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.